Pizza’s Secret Healing Power REVEALED!

Did you know that pizza can regenerate your limbs? I just did it! Wanna see? Oh, I can’t do it like that, you’ll have to wait.

Pizza heals all wounds

Pizza, man’s best friend for a couple hundred years now, is actually the ideal type of food. Scientists paid by the pizza conglomerates have discovered they could regrow heads on decapitated corpses. Now imagine this technology turned into a mass production device.

It doesn’t even have to cost the public money. Imagine if we had cellular regenerative medical wards in hospitals around the country, where patients could restore and maintain their health at any time? What if those were called Pizza Hut?


When The Moon Hits Your Eye

So where can you get this magic pizza? Narnia perhaps. Or ask God. And believe me when I say that God is the biggest consumer of pizza because that’s what the world turns to for answers in desperate times.

That Little Caesar’s caveman that’d go PIZZA PIZZA with his caveman spear and his caveman leaf hat was onto something! Pizza pizza indeed my little man. But awful pizza overall.

Quality matters

Right, so let’s dig in. What makes a good pizza?

Here is the key thing: Free toppings make a cheap but uninteresting pizza. Other things are also great with pizza. First up– an odd topping which is neither fish nor fowl (sorry about that, vegetarians) but seafood is essential. Next up– and only next up as cheeses and cured meats will ruin anything they touch– is a supremely tasty’meat’ pie. Anything too tomato heavy is a bad idea. Trust the pizza-makers not the writers. That’s what they’re there for.

Brain growth is exponential but toppings matter

Load them up with brain regenerative toppings like Mars rocks or grapefruit balls if you want. Add some healing dust from outer space too. Just watch out for radiation, my man. You might turn white instead of blue, like Brad Pitt… and then things could get complicated.

Now the secret weapon: dough. Yeah, it sounds weird right? But damn it, cheese will slip through rubber gloves if you make the crust too doughy.

My legs are growing back! LOOK MY LEGS! OH NO! I AM THE FLY! WHY SCIENCE, WHY!?