Madden 21 Is Canceled

John Madden is dead, which means he’s a corpse now. When a person takes their last breath they cease to exist. John Madden has ceased to exist. Usually a person taking breaths is living but not John Madden.

Just admit it

My brain damage is thiiiis big!

Can we finally admit that he was the most famous brain damaged person in the world? His sports announcing was the equivalent to an instructional manual. He’d be pointing out a football is an oval shaped object that your team tries to take to the end zone for points and the team with the most points wins. And everyone loved him for it.

Yes, John football has points. Here’s a cookie.

My head hurts

Because John was such a pro at explaining simple concepts like where to score a touchdown no one ever thought, hey could this guy be so brain damaged by his time in the NFL that his commentary is elementary at best?

Everyone who is praising him today just needs to admit that his voice just reminds them of their childhood when they were told they had so much promise and that children were the future. Only to get to the future and become an adult and become the brain dead idiot you are today.

It makes sense actually that those types would love John Madden. To the brain damaged, John Madden was an American hero. The type of man to tell them to “have a nice day.” Even if he forgot they weren’t on their way home.

Reality bites

John Madden was a man and now he’s going to be a skeleton. Skeletons are in every human body. When skeletons play the NFL they’re normally encased in skin. These skinletons are called people. Do you know why people say “a person” instead of “a skeleton”? It’s because our ancestors realized how creepy bones are. The ancestor tribes didn’t want people to know about their bones, they wanted us to think it was someone else standing there and not a creepy skeleton with an evil grin all the time.

John Madden was encased in carbonite like his hero Han Solo

John Madden we barely knew you other than you plastered your name on a bunch of football games and would read the football handbook in lieu of traditional sports commentary. I hope your brain works in Heaven.

We can only guess he’s pointing out that heaven is full of clouds and clouds are where the end zone is.

RIP John Madden, you may have been a sports announcer in life but now you’re just a skeleton. I hope you got there soon enough so that your bones won’t fall into Satan’s hand while he’s trying to get to your ribs so that he can destroy mankind from within.

After all John Madden said that we’re living in a civilization where football is an endangered species. No one knew what he meant by that but I have a feeling it was due to a contusion.

There is a strong argument for banning football due to the brain injuries it causes but John Madden is living proof that you can have a kick ass life even if your brain is on autopilot. It just requires people like you and think you’re a jolly personality instead of a swollen brained moron.