Paging Doctor Google

I get all of my medical advice online. It seems like the first day that I go to see a new doctor is always the worst, so I fire up the Google and let an anonymous forum stranger answer my medical questions! No waiting around on uncomfortable wooden chairs in tacky exam rooms—just type away at a computer.

Follow them damn dollars

Your doctor has bills to pay, why would he give good advice? He went to all that school but this guy on reddit claims to be an expert so why not listen?

If doctors are so great then what about Dr. Phil? He is awful and has never once given good advice that didn’t sound like some colloquialism from a gas station in the deep south.

I don’t trust doctors, no sir. Instead I entrust my health to anonymous strangers who have no idea of my medical history. No one knows me better than me! Why should my doctor help me when some dude named Markster-DaMaster actually KNOWS more than him? If anything, by going against their highly educated experts I am securing the complete safety and freedom from medical interference and medical debt.

When people ask me who my primary physician is, I tell them Dr. Google. They look at me like I’m crazy but if that’s true then why do I now stand at 12 feet tall and looking like a bronzed Adonis? It’s not from going to a typical doctor who tells me to eat the lousy Standard American Diet (SAD) which is a handful of pill samples. SLOW DOWN DOCTOR FEELGOOD!

Doctors ain’t healthy like me

Then look at the doctors. They’re so frail, old, and pale. I bet they don’t even listen to The Joe Rogan Experience OR lift weights with bigfoot enthusiasts. Fuckin’ pussies.

Did you know that British doctors aren’t required to make out with the Queen of England’s dog? Do you want someone like that noodling around with a scalpel? Fuck that. I’ll take WebMD thank you very much.

Doctors won’t listen to this site but maybe someone in the lamestream media will get my message. DOCTORS ARE PHONEYS WITH BILLS!

And did you hear that Dutch officials just implemented some vague law requiring euthanasia for minors? HOW CAN THEY MAKE THIS DECISION DID THEY NOT TRY CURFEW?

Doctors, lawyers, baristas, politicians — all filthy liars!

Fuck no I’m not writing to my congressman about some half assed system where we have “best interests” standard because it sucks and I won’t believe it until I get a big ass bag of money. As my older sister says: “There ain’t shit to be stupid about!”

Never ever, if you can possibly help it, vote for politicians. They lie just like doctors, heck some of them ARE DOCTORS.

Do you see the conspiracy? It’s all so clear to me after huffing this gasoline. All so clear. Just like gasoline. What do you mean ventilation? I remember when this building used to be a park in the clouds.

[LAWYERS NOTE: This is not medical advice. Why the hell would it be?! Please go see a real doctor.]