We present to you our envisioning for RUSSIA-GATE: The Movie.
Once upon a time…
“Are you guys sure you want to do this?” Stephen Colbert asked his team.
They all nodded, they were all there — Seth Meyers, Rachel Maddow, and Chris Hayes. Together they held vastly more power than any of them individually, even if people did assume the Super News Friends were all the same person.
They decided today was going to be the day they took down Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump, PERMANENTLY. They were meeting in Stephen Colbert’s fortress of solitude.
The staff had cleared out. Brian Williams had left around an hour earlier, he had a war to personally fight. The Super News Friends knew that now was the time for planning.
A holographic globe spins around a circular control table they’re all gathered around. The map pans to Russia and zooms into Vladimir Putin drinking some vodka and oppressing his people by making them listen to him sing Weird Al cover songs.
Putin emerges from his Moscow kitchen. He waves his arms wildly about as if to get everyone’s attention. He knows something is happening and his reptilian eyes turn coldly towards the screen and he says “I know you’re watching Super News Friends and when I’m done with you AMERICA WON’T BE A DEMOCRACY ANY LONGER”. The transmission trails off into maniacal laughter until Rachel Maddow using her super strength crushes the holographic table.
“I’ve heard just about enough from this joker!” she said as she smashed it.
“It has an off button.” Stephen Colbert protested.
“Guys, this is no time for arguing.” Seth Meyers chimed in.
“Seth is right.” Chris Hayes added, wanting to feel included.
They were going to get on their Super News Friends jet and fly all the way to Moscow to give Vlad a piece of their minds, and brawn.
It’s go time!
One hour later they’re already across town, undercover flying low over Saint Petersburg. Looking at their radar there are a couple hundred military choppers lined up along a checkpoint. They move low and slow as to not attract attention.
Finally they smash through the wall where Vlad is addressing the KGB and none other than Donald Trump and his children. Vlad’s reptile eyes contracted as he hissed and slithers away.
“Stop right there criminal scum!” Rachel Maddow shouts at the former president, Donald Trump.
“Listen, Rach, can I call you Rach? Seriously, my ratings are tremendous.” Donald Trump said in an attempt to deflate the whole thing.
“Not on my watch!” Stephen Colbert screamed with tears in his eyes as he fired up his proton beam accelerator cannon aiming it right for Trump’s head.
In comes Putin running to stop the destruction and steps between the beam and Trump absorbing all of the energy until he collapsed on the floor. Stephen Colbert runs up to Putin and starts pummeling him right in the cheburekis with his fists.
Seth Meyers pulled Stephen off of Vladmir Putin who was now sobbing.
“Sorry Seth, when I see red, I go for it!” Stephen said with the wind gently blowing his cape.
Vladmir Putin looks at Trump and shakes his head.
“Why did you send team of American News Boys to stop me? I saw Newsies once at the UN and hated it.”
“Vlad, calm down. This wasn’t my doing, it must have been those pesky democrats!” Trump said with a fist raised in the air.
“Fat chance!” Chris Hayes said as he punched Trump right in the gut.
“How do you expect us to believe you or yours again?” Another punch landed and Trump doubled over in pain.
That caused everyone’s outrage to grow even more…something needed to be done. Rachel Maddow grabbed Vlad and slammed him up against a Russian store window. “Vlad , you lying cretin, you killed Pussy Riot, now we kill YOU! Who’s with me!?”
The next scene there is a gallows where Vladimir Putin stands next to James Franco, Louis C.K. and Harvey Weinstein.
The Super News Friends are back at their hideout and having a barbecue. A brand new anthemic song with the lyrics “We saved democracy” is playing. A bald eagle cries a tear of joy and the World Trade Centers appear in the sky next to Mufasa.
The Super News Friends are looking to the sky holding hands when Seth Meyers says “Guys, I have a feeling everything is going to be just fine.”
A F-16 fighter jet flies overhead and no one can hear anything anyone said after that. Fireworks shoot into the sky and the credits roll.