Nope (2022) Reviewed By Experts

Jordan Peele and I go way back. I used to see him on my television and today I watch him and his human puppets dance on the silver-screen.

Spoilters Atlert

If you hate spoilers then turn back now because I’m a real stinker when it comes to spoiling the movie. I was the guy who told everyone about Tyler Durden, Darth Vader, and Keyser Soze on the way out of the movie theater so they could spend their money on better fiscal investments.

Reviewed and skewered

Nope features a few of my favorite things, namely Fry’s Electronics and monkeys.

Nope, I’m not being racist. There is an actual monkey in this film and he’s ripping faces off. To give you a spoiler, the face he rips off is white.

I’m not sure if that’s racist but when you’re in the jungle any ol’ face will do! WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE! YOU’RE GONNA DIE!

Please something happen

The rest of the movie you stare at hills and clouds waiting for something to happen. It gets kind of spooky but not really that spooky.

I’ll be sleeping with the lights on and a gun in my hand not because the movie but because I think my upstairs neighbors are crackheads.

Fry’s Electronics makes an appearance and boy do we love Fry’s. At least we used to before they went all wussy on us and closed up near my house.

I mean I used to go in there and look at stuff. Then I’d go home and order it online from somewhere else! Wonder why they closed though. Oh well, at least there are vagrants who pee there now. Happy now Jeff Bezos?

Forget me nots

As the movie goes on I wish I was watching a horror movie about chimps instead of this slow motion bore fest. Steven Yuen makes an appearance in this movie as his favorite role: Asian guy who gets trapped under stuff as plot. He did it in the Walking Dead when he decided to take a nap under the dumpster and it went horribly wrong and in this movie he’s the same clueless jackass who never learned a damn thing.

The father in the movie is pretty cool but someone throws him a nickel and says “go to college” and he dies.

The son seems like he doesn’t give a fuck, who knows what the hell is wrong with him. He says 2 words the whole movie and is the star somehow. I don’t understand Hollywood but what I do know is strange.

The sister is annoying but cool. Major little sister vibes so of course she helps because girls rule the world, except in America, politics, business, and anywhere except movie plot lines.

I’ve seen this before

The villain in the movie is pretty lame, it’s a lot like Birdbox in the sense if you don’t look at it, it won’t bug you. Pretty original huh? Jordan Peele is a mastermind!

I wonder how high he was when he fell asleep to Birdbox and imagined this movie in some LA weed induced coma full of strange creatures.

How about you get back to being funny? Stop trying to scare us, ok? We said we liked your jokes and you want to frighten us? How dare you sir, how dare you!

Oh shit maybe when the SkyNet happens you should be scaring us all. Yeah right because that’s going to be real scary for those already programmed drones to exterminate all people. Man that would have been a cooler ending.

The whole movie is too dark (lighting is too dark), too boring (nothing happened), and too predictable once it’s done getting off on withholding information like a 1990s mind fuck thriller movie (psyche bro!).

If you want to scare people, make something scary, if you want to bore people make films like this one.

Colonel Filmbuff McEyeballstein’s Verdict

You’re all asking: will this will hit you like Get Out? The answer is clear. NOPE!

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Writer/Editor. Drinker of Soy. Eater of Soy. Lover of Soy. Don't judge.