10 Commandments? Uhh, More Like 30!

It’s Sunday and we’re here feeling super devout. Every Sunday (or Sinday as I like to call it when I am throwing water at fornicators), we like to brush off the old tablet of commandments.

Funny story, I forgot to dust them and so did the last guy and the guy before that for hundreds of years. After some dust-off spray we found there’s some more commandments you haven’t heard of yet.

The Additional Commandments

11. Thou Shalt not be a dick like Brian!

12. He who has tattoos is evil in all cases except sailors because they are legally considered ocean skeletons.

13. Ugly people should remember to clean their earwax from time to time to keep evil spirits away.

14. Thou shalt dress in business casual all day every day with matching socks only at work during company meetings, otherwise clothing too torn or creased shall carry with it full power of thunder and lightning including blindness to unbelievers. It would be a shame if thee were fired for heathenism. Go see spiritual resources for your tribunal!


16. Take thy shoes off before thy muddy dogshit Nikes leave a stain on mine carpet.

17. Thou shalt not play football on Sunday. Sorry concussion lovers but you’ll have to ruin your brains the other 6 days of the week.

18. Bill Cosby is your new lord and savior. Just don’t eat the pudding!

19. Dude don’t shoot the ball up its butt. That’s treason and against the official rules of tennis.

20. You want bacon? Learn respect for pork from the cold hard money first.

21. If using thine hands helps dry out swamp balls then use thine own HANDTOWELS.

22. Tap dancing is forbidden on Monday nights due to boredom.

23. If your gut isn’t nice to look at, then be prepared for hell!

24. Speaking of devils… watch out for those archangel ugly trunks!

25. Forget me nots are to be forgotten! SEE NO FALSE IDOLS!

26. Priests should probably stop all the creepy stuff. They shouldn’t kiss one another over the BIBLE, eww.

27. Stay on the true path or nay reap the true harvest of eternal bliss. Does anyone even know what this means?

28. Bring us all 2 and 3 items o le be ole preggo lady!

29. Any non-member taking turns drinking kool aid off ANY holy sign belonging to an authorized holy angel inside any sanctified building must be decapitated without any pity whatsoever. Bring cash. This includes the bartender.

30. Thor kicks ass, did you see the new Marvel movie? KAPLOW! KABLEWY! PING PING! ZAAZAAZAAAA! ROOOO! ROOOO! TING TING TING! AWOOOGA!

There you have it. Get to worshiping!