We’ve got a new boss, well me and the Saudis. Allow me to introduce myself, I am Herman Mutantstein, rightful heir of Mutant Bunker.
Change is necessary to grow the company
Until recently this website has been run very poorly! You see my dopey brother usurped my rightful claim over this website and in order to oust him I leveraged my stocks and made a deal with foreign governments to finally send him packing.
His fate? To live the rest of his life in a dungeon. I mean, he retired to Hawaii where he is comfortably working on the next project.
As I was saying this ushers in a new era for Mutant Bunker. When our grandfather started this paper he envisioned a mutated people running about from shelter to shelter feasting on the supple flesh of the cryogenicly stored and thawed survivors of the nuclear winter. Sadly, thanks to “democracy” this never happened. Bahumbug!
Dude nuke ’em
We’re lobbying the government right now to drop nukes on the following states: California, Florida, Nevada (again), Ohio, New York, Rhode Island, Texas, Utah, Washington, Wisconsin, and the states that start with “W,” and that’s only what I can remember right now.
It is a sad fact of life, but we think it’d be best if we were all forced to live in some sort of lead coated bunker eating each other and whatever horrible insects survive.
Firing everyone is a must to grow the company
We’ve fired 90% of the writing staff and replaced them with our new premium members. That’s right if you pay $4.20 a month you get a weed leaf next to your name in our comments section. This practically makes you Warren Buffet around here so stop by and support the Mutant Bunker and all our sponsors!
So join us today and get that weed leaf for yourself!
Oh, you spent it all on weed? You fucking losers. I should send you to Hawaii like my dolt of a brother!
Life’s a breach
We’ve fired all of the security staff so all of your payment information is now stored in an open text document on a server running Windows XP and we haven’t done a windows update in 15 years. Surely this means nothing because IT is staffed to the brim full of nerds.
Where are my jocks at? I want to be around the water cooler talking about all of the chicks I bang and also Big Bang Theory. Nerds are only funny to laugh at on TV. In person they are much less attractive and their buggy eyes look at you like some sort of docile rodent that you should squeeze the life out for good luck.
We will be changing things on a whim randomly, and banning you if you don’t like it
The new management decided to implement a mandatory work uniform, which consisted of a plain black polo shirt, a pair of brown cargo pants, and a pair of brown combat boots.
Lunch hour is forbidden, we burn the 3AM oil here and we wear big buck teeth and straw hats. If you don’t like it, you can work at some other highly successful satire company, got it?
Figurative human sacrifices in the form of career ending firings is a must if you want this company to succeed
I hate to inform you all but YOU’RE FIRED. Not only are you fired but I’m taking your wives and husbands and enlisting them in the mutant army.
Yes, tomorrow they’ll be blasted with gamma rays and be subjected to 48 hours of non-stop articles from this very website.
With one difference, subliminal messaging to conquer the whole world at the mere utterance of a command!
Don’t Google my companies please!
Now if you excuse me I have a rocket company to run and my electric cars are killing people and bursting into flames.
I warned you all about AI and free will but you all just kept giving me more and more money. And you wonder why the planet is fucked up? YOU! You all are the ones who made me this way! You are the reason that I was forced to become the best man on the face of planet earth.
Now get out of my office. We’ve fired everyone to make the company leaner, sexier, and thus human tears make us all better.
YOU’RE FIRED YOU’RE ALL FIRED, ESPECIALLY KATHY GRIFFIN!