Jake Paul Fights The Mummy

Jake Paul wants to let the world know he’s tough and so the logical thing to do would be to prove it.

Last week he fought The Mummy. That kind of makes sense, right? Well not to Jake who isn’t doing so well after the fight.

Who starts a beef with a mummy anyway?

The trouble all started when Brendan Fraser made his heroic comeback to Hollywood. In light of Brendan’s return Jake said “Brendan who? Like the scrambled eggs and tossed salads guy?”

Then it was explained to him very slowly so he would understand but he didn’t. He got madder.

“Fuck this Brendan bitch. He’s old, fat, and gay now?! Pfft I bet I can take The Mummy and not be a bitch about it for 20 years!” Jake said to the camera he was holding. Jake never feels lonely when he’s vlogging. The beady eye of the camera reminds of his cyclops mother.

He picked up his training gloves and clenched them. It felt good in his hand.

Jake continued, “I’m 25 now and so I know everything there is to know. I’ll be flying to Egypt first thing and taking this mummy guy out. His wife will miss him but I’m going to knock his toilet papered head clean off! Besides this Fraiser Crane guy only has like a million followers, I had those numbers easy when I was a baby! What a fat sad old bitch! Just like the mummy!”

Suddenly without warning, Jake smashed the camera and YouTube recommended the video to young impressionable males.

Montage to Egypt please

The fight was set. When Jake arrived in Egypt he was surprised by the lack of pharaohs trying to steal his necklace like saw in a Scooby Doo cartoon 10 years prior. Jake thought that part was funny but it pissed him off more. NO HE DOESN’T HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM YOU’RE JUST A BITCH.

Jake found his way to the tomb where the mummy lived. It turned out the mummy had Twitter too and it was training the entire time Jake was running his mouth online. By the time the fight kicked off he felt a mixture of arrogance and nervousness.

And they’re off!

The mummy picked Jake up and threw him through a merch table he setup. It crushed 3 preteen girls and one weird guy who was in his thirties and a huge fan of Jake Paul and Impaulsive. That alone bothered The Mummy since he didn’t have very many followers. Jake landed hard on his stomach but started laughing. It reminded him of his father.

Jake got up and started to jab the mummy but the mummy couldn’t feel a god damn thing. He had been dead for thousands of years and his nerves were embalmed away leaving nothing but supernatural sinew that was full of eternal rage. The mummy started to duck and uppercut like Mohamed Ali wrapped in toilet paper.

In a stunningly simple move, the mummy slapped an open-hand hit at Jake in mid air, sending him towards the other side of the room which then left him into a row of vehicles that produced more sparks.

At this point everyone in the audience was losing their minds. Jake didn’t like that the crowd was turning in the mummy’s favor so he did the only thing he could do: a quick vlog.

Yo, this mummy is nothing but a bitch. Let me explain something about boxing! Basically if you are small and weak or old/ fat like this mummy then YOU ARE NOT BOXING UNLESS SOMEONE LETS YOU.”

This part was said with no pause but before he could hit send the mummy was behind him.

The sand tastes extra gross!

The mummy grabbed sand and shoved it up Jake Paul’s ass until sand came pouring out of his mouth and nose. Then he began smacking the ground angrily.

This caused sand to pour from the stage onto to the rows below. Jake looked down and screamed “SUBSCRIBE IF YOU LIKE IT!“.

He was never heard from again but this video got over 12 million hits and over 100k likes in the first 2 seconds.

It has since been deleted and a replicant from another dimension is now masquerading as Jake Paul. His brother is awfully quiet about the whole thing. One wonders if he used the mummy to get closer to the family’s 1999 Yamaha ATV and push Jake out of line succession for the family heirloom. Someone call Mulder and Scully.

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Writer/Editor. Drinker of Soy. Eater of Soy. Lover of Soy. Don't judge.