Valentine’s Day is coming up which means you’re going to get into a sitcom style argument with your significant other about trivial pettiness! Avoid all that with this useful gift guide.
What to get that special person in your life for Valentine’s Day:
Poop Blaster – Made with the farts that the terrorists love so much. Firing it will start off sounding like something out of Mission Impossible but if you are lucky it can leave the recipient reeling in fear. Sorry honey, I can’t do the dishes tonight — I’m POOPBLASTING!
Lip Clips – Shut them up with a lip clip! Nothing says I love you like mandatory silence! This one is huge in the UK where no one can stand each other’s horrid accents.
Bottle of Wine from the bargain bin at the gas station – They’re an alcoholic so they won’t care about this affront to gifting! Win win. The word on the grapevine is these ones come from Eastern Europe but someone told me they make in the toilet in the employee break room. DRINK UP WINO BITCH
Sexy Underwear – It’s common sense but who doesn’t love sexy underwear. Just make sure they’re not into chainmail or you could catch yourself and it’d hurt! Owie! A little gift certificate to Victoria Secret could also be nice for gals who shop there while desperately trying to lose weight. Probably best not though because your wife is 4 feet tall and weighs over 300 lbs. Wait did you bring an actual cow on our double date?
Half Price Movie Tickets – Are we watching “Night Of The Living Dead” or are we playing grab ass at the movies? I am not paying full price for what I get at home for free, sorry! No way José! Date night is very important for couples this day and age so put out already!
Flowers – A classic where you take plant genitals and shove them in your special person’s face. Pretty fucking classy if you ask us. You can skip this step if you feel uncomfortable though, nobody likes getting choked just to pick flowers. Florists hate when you pick their flowers.
Nice Sweatshirt – This can be embarrassing if you choose the wrong sweatshirt. We recommend the one that says SLUT in big bold letters. I mean, are we wrong? We’ve seen the OnlyFans…
Dominoes – Not the pizza, but the game! Hours of fun! Don’t forget to buy some hand towels for everyone’s cologne-soaked hands as you play. Sends the message that you want to have sex so get to soaking your hands in some Stetson or CK1!
Blanket – Same idea with the blanket but not as covered in cologne. No one will believe it when you break out this bad boy. Place it around the room while saying “THIS JUST WON’T DO!”. The laser sharp focus on blanketry is attractive.
Beef Jerky – Nothing says romance like ripping a dried animal apart with your teeth. Plus it freshens your breath with months old soy sauce and adds a nice sodium coating to one’s lips making them irresistible to their mates. This gift contains only 1000 calories too! Don’t eat too much else as it leaves you flat on the ground in mummy form.
Tugboat murder mystery party – Yeah it’s cramped but what is cooler than those trendy murder mystery parties? One on a tugboat that services a barge! YEAH TAKE THAT INSTAGRAM I AM INTERESTING AFTER ALL!