Snick! Snick! Snick! That’s the sound of cash transactions. Logan looked at his ledger and his watch, it was just about time to punch out.
“Foul!” his boss said to him from across the desk. “Just because you’ve got that mutant healing factor doesn’t mean you’re allowed to stop.”
“Yes boss!” Logan said.
Faster and faster Logan processed transactions and upsold certain clients to accounts more profitable to the bank. Yes, he was meeting every single quarterly goal with mutant speed.
At lunch one day, Logan was unraveling his sandwich he packed for his meal when two uniformed officers came into the break room. They were holding somebody in place by each arm, which didn’t sit well with Logan at all. He placed down his lunch-bag.
“What is the meaning of this?” Logan demanded.
“Sir, calm down. This man says he knows you.”
The officers reveal the man’s face. It’s Sabertooth! What the fuck is going on? Sabertooth isn’t supposed to be in town. Sabertooth should still be languishing somewhere in prison. Shit.
Sabertooth let out an awful scream. “It is me, and I need a job right now! Say I always respected you, can you help me out?”
Logan thought hard. The last thing in the world he wanted to do was put this psycho near anyone else.
“Sure buddy, just add me to LinkedIn and I’ll hit you up with a recommendation. Recruiters are going to see that and be all over it. I promise.” Logan said.
“Really? You’d do that for me? Alright, I guess I’ll leave and sign up to LinkedIn.” Sabertooth replied.
Logan was relieved that Sabertooth bought his white lie and that he didn’t have to help anyone further their career. He sipped a coffee cup he held with his claws. He needed to head home soon and feed the cats. This afternoon had not gone as planned.
1 Week Later
Logan got fired.
When Logan found out that he no longer had a job, he felt horrible. In addition, there was an uncomfortable moment where his office supervisor explained how the board had voted against keeping Logan and promoted a new hire.
“Who is this new hire?” Logan asked.
“Why, it’s some guy with strange hair named Sabertooth or something. I don’t know I am just workin for the weekend!” Janine said as she punched the air playfully.
“SABERTOOTH!” Logan let out a scream that echoed through the corridor so loudly the rest of the office could hear.
His face flushed redder than usual, he hadn’t been this pissed off in years. The mutant rights act really set his career forward. He didn’t want to go back to slashing robots apart with his claws and fighting ninjas fresh out of the time machine.
His first instinct was to threaten Sabertooth , but Logan tried to restrain himself from doing anything drastic. Sabertooth knew Logan would be mad which is why he applied for the job. Logan never accepted his LinkedIn request for a recommendation and Sabertooth grew angry over the course of 7 days, plotting his revenge.
One week from his firing, Logan was at the liquor store buying a few things when he noticed Sabertooth pull up in a BMW.
“Hey chump, getting some malt liquor with your unemployment check?” Sabertooth teased.
“Fuck off you freak.” Logan snapped at him without even realizing he did it.
Sabertooth laughed, he was loving it.
“Bub, just ’cause we’re both mutants ain’t give us a free pass to get hostile! Don’t wanna see these claws coming out !” Wolverine glared at him warningly.
“I was recording this. Everyone heard you threaten me!” Sabertooth said showing his voice recorder.
Logan cursed under his breath.
“Listen here Logan! I am a big shot now, and you’re just chump change. The cops won’t help you anymore!” Sabertooth raised his tone.
Logan took another can of Budweiser out of the shopping cart.
“The thing about respect is…” He said.
Then Logan snarled and threw a can of Budweiser straight at Sabertooth’s head.
“YOU HAVE TO EARN IT!”
Sabertooth roared again and swung out a giant paw. The next container blown to pieces and pinged off a nearby vending machine leaving behind confetti and soda. Logan drew his claws and charged at Sabertooth who was now in his weird tiger costume instead of his business suit. His mullet blew in the wind gracefully.
He had several knives strapped around his chest which he flicked at Logan who dove over some boxes while avoiding these weapons. One blade landed on top of a dusty cash register where a teenager was cowering wishing he had never taken this crappy part time job instead of summer courses.
The metal broke, causing the young man to panic.
Telling him not to move, Logan landed on his knees behind the high counter and grabbed the teenager’s shoulders to press him flat on the floor. “Can you run out of the store and call the cops? That looney in the tiger costume is going to kill us all!”
After saying this, he held a palm towards Sabertooth before he vaulted over the broken register towards a hot dog stand by the windows. There was no way Logan was going to let this happen, so he charged Sabertooth. Sabertooth tossed a brick in his direction which struck Logan. That sent him sailing across the lot of two parked cars, but that was alright because he chose to land on his feet.
Logan spun around quickly grabbing the front of his shirt and knocking him to the ground. He kept one hand on his throat and shoved him forcefully. They scuffled on the asphalt for what seemed like hours, and somehow Sabertooth was pushing the winded warrior backwards when two police car lights went past.
Suddenly Sabertooth was standing tall again, victorious smile plastered on his ugly mug. He jumped down and ran over to Logan. He lifted Logan up and threw him into the backseat of the police car and slammed the door shut.
“Good grief, is that really you chump? Well I never took you seriously anyway.” Sabertooth looked at Logan fondly before turning around.
Logan used his claws to slice open the car door and climb out.
“Hey bub! I’m not done talking to you yet!” Wolverine shouted.
Sabertooth turned around surprised but then began to grin.
Logan advanced on him. He lunged for Sabertooth until he wrapped his hands around the man’s throat. Logan squeezed it tightly with two hands. He started pressing them down closer together till it almost hurt.
Before Sabertooth could make any noises, four ninjas, three wielding swords, rushed around the corner of a building and attacked.
“We are from HR!” one of the ninjas said.
“We understand you are harassing one of our employees and this can not be tolerated.” another ninja said.
The ninjas then drew their swords from their backs in unison.
“Let’s take it to arbitration.” Wolverine said as he snicked out his claws.
The ninja tightened her eyes, her bleach blonde hair sticking out of her mask. Then, suddenly she flew backward towards Logan spinning and throwing shurikens his way. Logan dodged all shurikens but one which grazed his shoulder. It wasn’t bad enough to distract him however as he returned an uppercut knocking the swordless ninja onto the pavement unconscious.
Sabertooth jumped in the mix and Logan was finding himself outmatched.
Suddenly Cyclops and Jean Grey walk out of the movie theater where the were seeing the latest Tyler Perry movie.
“Hey, isn’t that Wolverine? I haven’t seen him since mutant college.” Cyclops said.
“Yes Scott, that’s Logan and he’s in trouble!” Jean replied.
They followed the fight.
Cyclops powered up his laser eye and vaporized all the ninjas and left Sabertooth holding his knee and crying.
“Logan!” Cyclops yelled out.
“Cyclops, you son of a bitch I was just getting started!” Logan said.
“Yeah right, I was just getting ready to bang Jean when we saw you in trouble.” Cyclops said cockily.
“Well that’s okay Logan, we saved your ass! I still plan on that department party so please RSVP.” Jean said to Wolverine.
“Oh great…” He turned to walk away because they were too busy making out like high schoolers to make him jealous.
“I’m gonna need more liquor” Logan said as he walked into the sunset.