‘Beard’ Is Not A Personality Type

If you carry around a little bag to primp your beard, I’ve got news for you: Beard is not a personality type!

The lady doth protest too much

I bet you are one of those weird straight men who carry their toiletries in a ziploc bag on wheels. You comb and gel and spend more time grooming your beard than actually doing anything anyone anywhere would regard as “manly”.

Yet, you think your beard does something for your weak chin. But you’re wrong. It just gets tired after a long day of being trodden on and fed catfood. But the cat still craps there; I’m just taking this info from your Facebook feed, don’t blame me!

When it comes to intelligence, the real secret is not buying into this beard care market that sprung out of no where. When we were growing up beards were manly. They were scraggly, they were mysterious, they weren’t neatly primped like a hedge animal.

It’s commerce not culture

This whole movement is a product of ‘hustle culture’, the phenomenon where people barely too smart for pyramid schemes decide to sell you organic peanuts and only peanuts, then go on Shark Tank to revolutionize the way we eat peanuts. “Buy my peanuts?”


Ok, ok, you’re stroking your beard very concerned this guy doesn’t like the only thing that people find you interesting for. You’re afraid the world will see your ugly face that causes you all kinds of shame.

Beards are no good, they’re nothing but hazards. What if you were making spaghetti and it got caught in the noodle roller? You wouldn’t be able to tell what was blood or marinara! OH THE HUMANITY!

Beard = Messy Hair AKA Chin Pubes

Beard History X

When push came to shove in ancient times, no warrior was ever thinking about his carefully artfully grown beard when he made history-defining murders for his country. You ever see the film The 300 and they had to stop the battle to pull out their beard kit? No!

Your beard sucks, you are not some mountain man. Until a few months ago everyone thought you were a portly woman. Women be warned : a man with a beard should not be trusted! Think about, it comes time to settle down, it’s your wedding day but he’s too busy crying because his beard won’t part right. Why did you pick him to marry you anyway?

Smooth AF

Instead you should marry a man with a smooth face. You ever seen Mad Men? All the ladies were all over Don Draper not because he had a perfectly shaped beard like a poodle, but because he was fucking smooth as fuck. The money and power helped but no one wants to get with a guy who looks like a short fat lesbian Bluto. Trust me, they’re not your type!

You know what I hate most about these modern manly guys with noses running off into full sheepdog poofs? Every time I look at them, I think to myself, ‘Hey do you have any notion of shaving that mess from your ugly neck?’

Then they look at me with their fedora and vest and talk to me a lot about Boardwalk Empire and The Wolf of Wall St movie. Later they tell me about how they’re a Reddit moderator and how much the beard helps them intimidate children. I back away slowly and catch a cab when they go to the bathroom. I HAD ENOUGH OF YOU BEARDO!

Face it, you need to shave

Having a beard is never a positive trait unless of course you yourself are byproduct of a beard factory. Then you could call yourself a bartender in a sarsaparilla shop as you curl it into a swirl. Don’t forget to give the sheriff one on the house and pull on your suspenders.

Remember when perms started going mainstream? Beards will be regarded the same way. You don’t look like some great philosopher, no you look like an idiot with a band aid on your chin. A band aid for the lack of a personality! If your beard is the most interesting thing about you, then you’ve failed!

Anyway, now maybe someone will recognize you because you own a framed picture of yourself trying to balance on your hind legs wearing ice skates holding a violin on the cold tundra. Yeah, we’ve seen your Instagram and we’ve got complaints! Who even does this shit anymore!?


Facial hair isn’t all bad, but beards are the worst. Full beard, perfectly trimmed, even length, YUCK! Do you realize all of the things you could accomplish instead of grooming your chin like a show dog? The least you could do is shave it off and get a personality already.

Get out of here, go buy some razors for your face, plop on the shaving cream and get that disgusting thing off your face already. Then maybe you can work on the personality deficit.

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Writer/Contributor. Feminist. Hates Working Here.