Fuck Yeah I’m An Adult I Can Do Whatever I Want

I’m an adult I can stay up as late as I want. Can you?

I don’t have to go to work on time. So why are there laws against me staying out till three, four o’clock in the morning, and my driver has to drag me home by the ear back to my penthouse. You can relate right?

I can do what I want, because I am an adult. No bed time, no pop quizzes. ADULT! That’s what they call us adults, all people with bedrooms, kitchens, dressing rooms, but no parents. Adults are the only people in the world who get to screw around all night long. We send kids to the mines , war zones, and they come home to watch MTV or Star Trek re-runs.

Of course we know how fucked up that is but it builds character. Plus you cannot go wrong with profit. Profit motives are good! Do not ask questions.

I ride a horse to work, what do you ride? Your mom’s rusted old Saturn?

The main benefit of being an adult is that if you decide at eleven p.m. that you want a meal, you just get one without going through the whole asking for permission thing. Pretty sweet huh?

After I get up from naptime, I like to color in my adult coloring book and have a juice box. Maybe two of them, fuck it, no one can boss this grown up around!

All righty then, since I am so successful and independent I will now take a dump. Just kidding, this isn’t Twitter.

My kids think I’m the coolest grown up around because I let them have the weekends for free time. Most of them anyway. Yeah, I mean my wife has put limits on the hours they can spend with her every day, but still, the weekends, well those are their own little get away and every once in awhile, like when my son tells me he wants to be an adult just like me someday. I tell him if he eats my pizza one more god damn time he won’t live that long.

Other than my fridge always running empty, and having to hire someone else to walk my dog, and forget about washing everything because kids are made of slime and peanut butter. It’s 9:30, is it past your bedtime? It’s not past mine because I’m full grown. I sit here and eat my corned beef sandwich until 2 am and never feel guilty or shitty about it either. I guess that’s one perk of being an adult. Never feel shitty. Ever.

You can try to guilt me with your “rules” and “etiquette” but my dad owns this company and he makes sizeable donations to the media so you’d better watch it!

Like I said earlier, since I am an adult and in charge, I can eat whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want. If I need another bowl of cereal I just make another one, same with more beer. My truck is loaded with alcohol and I rarely ever drive sober. And I like big servings too!

No officer, you’re fucking drunk!