Almost everything is funnier than Tim Dillon if you think about it.
Everyone kept saying “check out Tim Dillon, he’s funny” so we checked out his material. After listening to every single thing he’s ever done, it’s obvious that he STOLE the loudness of Sam Kinison and repackaged in this trailer park Chris Farley persona only gay this time so you’re not allowed to criticize him or his comedy.
It’s disgusting, he’s disgusting, our entire staff has spit on his picture and burned effigies of him in the street. “DEATH TO DILLON’S CAREER AS A COMEDIAN” we chant.
We then decided to make a list of things funnier than Tim Dillon after a nice lobster dinner. We even had our lobster bibs on. Even though we ate lobster parts from a trough we all looked less like a pig than Timmy boy.
Things Funnier Than Tim Dillon
- A rotting pumpkin with flies buzzing around it.
- Walking through your front door with your dog’s hindquarters wrapped in Saran Wrap and asking if anyone wants some yogurt.
- Firing a crossbow at an inflatable gorilla.
- Watching your pet fish die slowly in its bowl.
- Driving home, drinking a six-pack of beer, smoking a joint, changing a light bulb, and putting all the empty bottles in your wife’s trash can.
- Putting ice cubes up the nose of a sleeping baby.
- Watching one of those sitcom episodes where they run over a live person.
- Calling a new friend, telling them, “You have three seconds to close your eyes or I’ll kill you.”
- Showering in a pot of hot grits.
- Breaking every finger on both hands simultaneously, losing consciousness, and waking up several hours later unable to use either hand.
- Turning down a dinner invitation from a cannibal family.
- Climbing into a coffin made out of scrap wood and crawling around in it for half an hour thinking you’re fucking Martha Stewart.
- A pile of furniture falling on you in the middle of the night.
- Doing five days worth of pushups, situps, leg lifts, planks, and toe touches at the YMCA then going to McDonalds afterwards and trying to pay for them both with your trust fund but your butler forgot his debit card so you have to pay in silver coins instead.
- Being electrocuted in the middle of a porno movie.
- Taking scissors and sawing through your own hand.
- Riding a horse wearing a sign that says: “Please Don’t Ride This Horse.”
- Ripping off your own penis and using it to smash other people’s glass bottles.
- Chewing nicotine gum so hard that your gums bleed and making a big deal out of this.
- Hitting a deer with your car, taking him home, giving him milk and cookies, feeding him french fries, and pretending you weren’t involved.
- Passing out drunk during the Pledge of Allegiance.
- Not Joe Rogan
Give the pig a trophy and get him the fuck off the stage
Wouldn’t you rather see any of this than Tim Dillon ever again?
Be sure to let us know in the non-existent comments section and if you have a problem with us insulting your porcine hero be sure to tweet @ our non-existent Twitter account or maybe grow the hell up already.
Tim, if you’re reading this please give the bunker all of your money and get back to your shift at Burger King, there’s a labor shortage on and you’re needed. I hear they’re willing to forgive you for eating all the Whoppers and rolling in your own filth.