CES 2022: The Hype Breakdown

It’s that time of year again! CES is the tech trade show where big faceless corporations send people we don’t know to lend trustworthiness to their factories of indentured servants making all of our wonderful devices. In other words it’s like second Christmas to a geek like me! I imagine all the children locked in servitude bouncing off the suicide nets like Santa’s happy elves! So cute.

Get to the gizmos, the gadgets the whatsihoozits

First thing of note is that NVIDIA revealed a budget graphics card. I thought there was a chip shortage and you’re making gaming graphics cards for poor people? WTF! You can’t even mine ScamCoin with it! BULLSHIT! Poor people should be working for me, not gaming.

Omnivision is revealed so we can spy on each other better. Better pictures mean better surveillance. The CIA and FBI are literally hard right now. The entire agency, yes even the women! ESPECIALLY THE WOMEN! Hey, it’s 2022, deal with it, hateful bigot.

There’s some smart faucet for people too dumb to figure out how one works, I guess. My infant son and cats can figure it out but thanks big tech for solving that humanitarian crisis. So hot means hot, huge burden off my mind.

Some electronic vehicles were unveiled so that rich people will have something to drive in to quickly get passed the Skidrow franchises encroaching upon your local city. Hooray for late term innovation based on legacy technologies! Three cheers for socioeconomic collapse! I mean the stock market is fine, everything is fine, get back to work!

Smartphones that can do this, and that, and more of the same but thinner sleeker and with “features” no one asked for. It’s obvious the phone market has hit the late Palm Pilot phase where they ran out of any and every idea so they’re adding useless crap to maintain quarterly profits.

The Internet of Things got more things, and once again spies and hackers are rock hard for this new technology. You think your Smartbath won’t be hacked by pervs? Think again because hackers and pervs hack everything and perv on everything. I don’t know why you’d want any of this crap but hey it’s your money and it’s not like there are any homeless or starving people anywhere in your city. Alexa please wipe my butt for me with one of the $100 bills I use to play keep away with down at the orphanage.

Samsung made a projector although if it has any of their SmartTV software on it, count me out. I can start a laptop and plug it into HDMI quicker than I can navigate the laggy SmartTV menus. Although a projector that forces ads on the end user is attractive to people in the C-suite here in reality, it sounds like a dud like Lenovo’s Smart Clock.

John Deere has made a robot tractor because what could go wrong with a 14 ton implement with blades attached to it driving around all by itself. I bet they’re going to replace their factory workers next so no more strikes. The best labor is robot labor according to every industrialist, so give it a little time. Soup is good food!

Nailbot a robot that does your finger nails plans to turn your local creepy nail salon into a creepy late night spa by taking the jobs of people who studied for 9 months for their cosmetology degree. No idea why anyone would trust a robot with their nails. They’ve had automatic coffee machines for decades and they still fuck it up! Wait until one goes rogue and becomes your new digit mangler!

BMW and Mercedes were out this CES, we can only assume they were cutting off an ambulance in traffic and parking across 2 handicap spots instead. I mean, the owners learn it from someone! I didn’t teach them this. I’m not an evil car guy with a tiny penis. I just happened to buy a Audi A4 in 2012. What can I say? Get over yourself Mercedes, nobody cares. In fact, I hate you more than I hated Mark Cuban. Ha ha! God it felt good. Sorry. Up yours Cuban! Mavericks gonna bomb!

Dystopian Utopia

Alex Murphy set a high standard for CES in the past

Overall this CES feels like something from the Robocop movie except without the murder bots.

We can only assume given economics that those were at a different convention, possibly for our brave law enforcement officer to ride into battle as they shoot first and ask questions later.

I give this CES a solid 4.1 out 10 points for being so dystopian and lacking innovation. We’re in a weird phase of technology where we’re not allowing innovation cycles in favor of short term cash grabs, we’re looking at you smartphones and IoT. I say let’s become Amish instead, because this CES sucked!

Let’s put aside all the stupid money grabbing that seems to happen, and look for innovations. What kind of product innovations did this show provide? Why oh why couldn’t the meeting come together and decide on a minimum IQ requirement before bringing in these braindead suits? This CES can be summed up: MONEY GOOD DUHHH I WEAR A TIE [fart noise]