How To Tell If You’re In A Death Cult

With all the fake news floating about, it’s really easy to get swept up into movements. We wrote this handy article to help you, the viewer, figure out if you’re in a death cult or not.

Is this normal?

1. You are wearing long black or crimson robes, possibly trimmed with gold while you read this.

2. The device you’re reading it on is a special cult smart phone that flips over and you can see orphan blood moving around the circuits because it’s got one of those special 1990s clear battery covers.

3. When you got married at the altar, a goat was sacrificed. No that wasn’t your mother in law.

4. Your bathroom door has big hex symbols and skulls on it. This is because your toilet is plumbed to the spirit realm.

5. The screen saver on your Windows XP computer is 3D text but it reads “DEATH CULT”. We prefer 3D Maze ourselves.

6. You never use deodorant and sometimes use animal blood for a cologne/perfume.

7. You have a secret society hidden underground which uses cats as slaves. Milk slaves.

8. Attending black masses and chanting in latin. This is really a good indicator that things are about to go awry in any situation.

9. You have a leader that isn’t in this dimension. We all liked Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but Krang wasn’t real!

10. At least three of your friends are pasty white, dead eyed zombies who only eat raw deer hearts that they take from hunters, whose fingers don’t even look like human fingers because they’ve had them cut off by your third cousin twice removed who was some kind of goth.

11. You think it’s cool that your master goes by the name ‘Lord Chaos and Destruction’. Come on, there’s a ton of cool names out there. You can find a better cult leader.

12. During times of crisis, when people are looking for answers, you put on sunglasses and tell them, “For the salvation of our souls we must watch Real Housewives of Desperate County”

13. Your mom says she’s worried about you. She knows what you’re up to, she was young once but she grew out of it. Your grandma is concerned too but more about if you’re getting enough to eat. Let’s hope it’s not lamb hearts you’re eating.

14. You wave around a dagger while praying. This is a pretty clear indicator of death cult.

15. You put finger horns on your head and say “blugugugugahahaga!” to small children and birds.