How To Be The Best Alpha Male

Alpha male!


We’re alpha dogs, and we want to piss on you! Sorry that’s just the way of the wolf, and I am king of the fucking jungle.

Give them the whole tip

Here are some tips for all those beta males out there who don’t have the stones to step up and do what needs to be done. Fuck with me, and prepare to die!!

First off, we are so much more masculine than women. Does our beard and big ass muscles give that away? Get out of here ladies with your curves and tits.

Second, betas can’t open pickle jars and when they do it’s with their anus. I will slam my fist down on the counter and break it into a million pieces for you and then you’ll eat your glassy pickles and thank me god damn it!

Third, it’s time to face facts, being a Beta is not cool anymore. That means you’ve got no chance in this fucking world, because what’s cooler than being an alpha? NOTHING! Not even a polar bear stuck in a block of ice wearing overalls at the North Pole. You need to change now before it’s too late.

I’m going to tell you how to be alpha male RIGHT NOW and what you’re going to have to do is follow along step by step or I swear to God I will take a piece of plastic piping and shove it up your asshole.

Ready? Let’s begin:

You cannot win an argument if you’re a Beta male, you will always lose. No matter what you say, you’re wrong. You’re weak, and pussy whipped. So shut the fuck up!

Now take a look at that picture of yourself and ask yourself “Am I sexy?” If you see a big sad boy man in the mirror melting, then you’ve got to hit the gym! Buy yourself some new pants and grow some facial hair. Work on your handshake, give her a smile and hold her hand firmly, get on top of her, put your arm around her waist. Practice and practice until it comes natural to you.

Once you’ve taken a girl back to your place, you have to prove yourself worthy of being a full fledged Alpha male. This requires lots of punching grizzly bears in the face and tree felling. The best thing you can do is rape the bear. That’s right you need to man up! Grab the bear and show it who is the king of the fucking jungle!

Oh we’re not in a jungle, we’re in a campground, too bad princess I am an alpha. I have no time to explain, no time to hear you complain, and I will put you in a dress and make you cook me dinner if you dare question me again you piece of shit. Here you go Princess here’s $2. Now go clean up after yourself bitch.

Manliness is godliness

I hear a tree falling in the forest with my super alpha male hearing abilities. This looks like some manly work right here. Going to use the fallen tree to smash down the rest of the forest into a neat log cabin then before I can break a sweat I’m gonna do every woman in your pathetic beta family.

Have you ever seen Animal Planet? Don’t answer that stupid question, because I know you haven’t because your entire life revolves around watching Barney reruns alone in your car and then coming home to your beta wife to find her masturbating with children’s crayons while playing House on DVD. Yeah I’ve seen your Ring camera footage, I am the guy who watches them all!

So betas if you think you can go toe to toe in martial combat with an expert demolitions specialist then you’re fucking wrong. I keep one stick of dynamite on me at all times and if someone dares get within ten feet of me I light it, boom they are dead. All because I AM AN ALPHA!

Furthermore I’ve read every Ayn Rand book ever written and I have studied ancient Greek and Roman culture to get ready for all this. Just look at the knowledge I possess. I don’t need anyone to make decisions for me, especially you since I’m better than you and smarter than you and I listen to more podcasts than any human being ever could.

While you’re out making boyfriends to play soldiers with in the sandbox, I am fighting real actual wars myself. I am an army of one, a lone commando in a world of girly men who are trying to use their flabby arms to stop me. I am bashing these girly men away with big thick biceps holding Ayn Rand books.

“TAKE THAT!” I say as I bash them with a hardcover edition of Atlas Shrugged.

Liberals have a problem: ME!

And yet these gay looking bitches don’t have a problem picking up tiny swords and killing goats with them, what does that tell you? It tells me that you’re worthless little girls and we are superior. God is on our side, not your side you god damn liberal mongrels with your sharp pointy teeth, scaly skin, talons, and mocha latte. HAHA fancy coffee that’s for FAGGGGGGGS!

Now give me your lunch money nerd.

I have already built hundreds of nuclear weapons using my superior mind and resourcefulness. My brain operates at a higher wavelength than any beta scientist because I am an alpha. I have the brain of an alpha. An Alphabrain rivaling all other brains. Joe Rogan stole the idea from me.

Artist’s rendition of my superior brain

He has a model of my brain in his office, he tries to study it, tries to figure out how I can get my brain as muscular as my arms which are the size of a Buick. But he doesn’t understand because Joe Rogan, he is a beta. My legs are even bigger. Alpha legs. I can kick a hole through a car and that mini-game in Street Fighter was based on my actual hobbies. I bet you just masturbate in your snuggie you beta.

Not only am I an Alpha Male with my strong muscular arms, but also I am big and tall. Because of my height I can intimidate others with my giant size. They try to cut me in line at the grocery store and I use my big muscular arms to take out a revolver the length of a ladder and wag it around until I am the king of the fucking jungle!

Lead by example

They use my blood to create super soldiers and sell them to the highest bidder in China, South America, Russia, Africa, and Japan. That’s right beta I AM KING OF THE FUCKING JUNGLE!

The army wants me to come over and destroy ISIS but I told those beta cucks that YOU DON’T FUCKING SKIP LEG DAY UNLESS YOU’RE A BETA WITH A SMALL DICK, NO TRUCK, NO FLANNEL, NO BEEF STEW DRIPPING OFF YOUR SCRAGGLY BEARD, AND NO LIFE EXCEPT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERYTHING ON FACEBOOK. Even when my life gets rough, it doesn’t affect me because I’m a FUCKING ALPHA, I walk through it without batting an eye.

This is not a fucking democracy when I’m around, it is a dictatorship and I am the Fidel Castro of big muscles, doing the ladies, and lifting weights. I go through dry spells sometimes, when no one wants to suck my cock because my glutes aren’t big enough, and I can be very discouraging, but when my dick grows three sizes it takes no time to regain my power and glory.

Never let them see you cry

Sometimes, when my chest hurts from the amount of steroids I inject directly into my muscle tissue I wish I wasn’t an alpha, but that’s why God made meth, blowjobs, and sweet iron pumping my balls back up so that I can fight the liberal army and their rainbow parades with pure American steel.

Now if you excuse me I have this forklift to drive for my boss and I better do it before he FIRES ME LIKE A FUCKING BETA CUCK.

Also I still need to shower and finish reading my copy of Ayn Rand and learn how to wield a sword. Then I’ll go build a castle with female dwarves and then smelt their gold with my awesome iron equipment. Hey look! It’s bootstraps, time to pull myself up. Hut hut hike! No kneeling.

God bless Nashville.


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Writer/Contributor. Likes working out, drinking slime, and hassling nerds.