Taco Tuesday Saved From Taco Fascism

Taco Tuesday has been freed from the evil regional clutches of taco robber baron, Taco John. Evil taco tyrant Taco Bell sued them for their right to Taco on Tuesday. Before this moment and landmark ruling, tacos were never served on Tuesdays, ever.

Free The Taco

It was considered taboo, an abomination against tacos everywhere! But, thanks to today’s verdict, all is right with the world. While others call it a “landmark victory,” I believe it was actually just a liberation event for people everywhere. No longer do we have to eat burgers on Tuesday wishing it was the savory ethnic delight that is tacos.

Oh how I love the sizzle of a good taco, the juices of a tortilla filled with my choice of animalian proteins; whether it be fish, chicken or beef, plus all the spices and flavorings. That sweet crunch sound as I sink my teeth into a delicious nacho plate breaking all of my teeth because you’re not supposed to eat plates.

Taco Tuesdays have been freed and I couldn’t be happier. My wife and I might patch things up after I tell her what a great husband she has had these last six months while trying to live without a fix for my weekday craving for 18 crispy shell tacos. We may even go out on a date night for once.

Taco kind of guy

One might ask what you even need people for when you can just buy a taco and make that your entire personality, but don’t get me wrong, tacos aren’t cheap and neither is being in a relationship with me. In fact, the financial burden has made me lose interest in dating altogether and since the only person I have ever been interested in is my burrito. Oh my sweet bean wrap, I miss you so much. But with taco freedom I will find a way to keep you both by my side again, with a little extra help from your parent company Taco Bell, I’m sure.

They called it taco love

I love me some tacos. Oh nelly, do I love that meal more than having hobbies, friends, interests, a personality, a meaningful relationship with my wife, and no reason to punch myself in the face at least twice a day for missing out on those times when I wasn’t high off my own supply of fatty proteins.

You could ask yourself “what could possibly make him happier?” Well the answer is tacos. Why? Because of tacos. Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time there was a small market grocery store where three of my best friends worked. One day my friend was hungry and I said you know what let’s try tacos. It was Taco Tuesday and we didn’t have a Taco Johns in our state, we tried to get some tacos but the police arrested us. They shot my friend in the head for daring to bring a burrito into city limits. That was his jurisdiction and he wanted us to know.

Thank you to the brave Taco Bell for ending this tyranny once and for all and avenging the death of Ronny “Boob Toucher” Smith.

At the end of the day, the U.S. Constitution guarantees the liberty of people to do what they want and now they can do it a little more free and with the succulent crunch of a taco. As long as it isn’t Wednesday. Tacos are only served on Tuesdays and should always be shared among friends and family.

Here’s a song I wrote for any taco place to use…


Well it’s taco fuckin Tuesday,

The kind of day we used to have,

but now it’s really real,

we slapped taco john

we high fived taco bell

If you ask me

John deserves Taco Hell

Rip off His skin

Make him feel pain

Let Him suffer for

all the wrong things

He did.

Oh how I love the taste of taco. The way it melts in my mouth. The delicate bite.

Taco Tuesday is right agaiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnn, new york city!!!!!

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Writer/Editor. Drinker of Soy. Eater of Soy. Lover of Soy. Don't judge.