Cell Phone Rant Incoming

You ever notice how cell phones are always completely out of battery?

I am having a field day with those little suckers. For the last two months, I’ve been waiting for someone to phone me, so that I can have their ass kicked. I’m not mad. In fact, if you’d done this before, then we’d be friends, and then maybe I’d let you join my ass-kicking club! Yes, ass-kicking club is the new hall of fame in our household.

Wait…you don’t understand. My name isn’t Broseph Davenport, I haven’t won “Most Valuable Idiot” for five straight years, and I am not kicking any of your asses. I am hiring someone to kick your asses! There’s a huge difference.


Don’t call me, ever. Don’t even text me. If I hear one noise out of that god damn phone I’m climbing up your fire escape and trampling your flowers! By the way, those aren’t flowers either. They’re dead things that were that way when I got here!

Oh, you’re trying to argue with me? How typical! Now, get off my property and don’t come back until September 6th. If I smell something burning from anywhere around here I will figure it was probably you!

Oh, so you’re not arguing with me? How typical! Not returning my texts means you don’t want me there! So sad!

Ouch! Oh right, I was going to be yelling at my wife! That was nice of me! Sorry, honey but you’re a god damn bitch! GET ME A BEER. I SAID BEER NOT SLOW BEER! I’m a bit of a feminist. We met on Twitter, I had #feminist and #ally in my bio and she fell for the ruse! Hah! NOW GET ME ANOTHER BEER!

Cell phones are so much trouble, I question whether they should even exist! But everyone uses them, so there must be some benefit. I suppose if everyone would jump off a bridge you would too? Yeah you would. You’d check in, TikTok, make a RSVP and make sure to take a selfie as you plummet to the earth below. We know you society, we know you.

Once upon a time before phones people talked to each other. Now it’s replaced by clever status updates, wow you can articulate yourself in a single sentence like a dumb toddler! Learn to read dumb dumbs! A-Z Do I gotta spell it out for you? Were you born slow? It’s ok if you were, I can talk slower and be more explanative in my overt sarcasm!

I don’t mean to go on a rant here but who else will?

You see virtualized socialization is dumb. Every text is a sleight and every call some grand intrusion. What is the point of these devices except to be mini TVs with tracking devices in them? I for one love our new corporate overlords! That’s why they won’t list us on the biggest search engine in the world. We’re too god damn smart and sexy.

Meanwhile we’re in the woods hacking email accounts through a telephone line the Ruskies left behind in the 80s. Man Stranger Things was rad, that guy smoking while he worked out was bad ass! You know someone means business when they smoke and work out.

No cell phones is why the series is working out. Forget the cast, people just want to be left the fuck alone but no you got to keep texting about work deadlines, and you keep calling me to pick up my kids. I DON’T HAVE CHILDREN ANYMORE YOU CLOD!

Call me any time after 11 PM and I’ll pick up because my wife thinks I sound cool, which isn’t saying much since she’s a cold bitch who won’t get me ANOTHER FUCKING BEER!

I forgot all about being punched, It hurt. I bet Broseph Davenport never gets punched by his wife! Cell phones sure are menace around here. I mean, nothing you could do with them would surprise me anymore! It’s an issue! Just send a picture of your butt to your doctor and call it medical care! That’ll make the stock ticker jump up faster than the Monopoly guy when he passes Go to pay off his prison debt.

As per tradition, my friend Pepper was staying over today. Did I get a phone call or a text? Nope, just showed up. Isn’t that so much better? An unwelcome intruder I mean guest at this hour? HOW WONDERFUL.

Pepper, I love you. Pepper, don’t tell my wife I am going out for beer. Oh sorry, I thought you were Pepper. Did I say that?

That future vision

That big screen TV gives me ideas. Like why the hell am I on this dinky cell phone? I could own Hollywood! Ha ha, did you catch my attempted wit? Want to slap your laptop shut. I know where you work. I took a walk round the lake on my lunch break. It was pretty serene. You’re lucky. My office view is a dumpster and a brick wall and I’ve been working here for 51 years! AMERICAN DREAM! FOLLOW THE MONEY!

Let’s start out with lunch. How ’bout a couple Gouda croissants or liverwurst sandwiches? Let’s make it some onion soup too. How’s cream of tomato yum? Can we put a fake log in our fireplace to pretend it’s early November? Is it wet outside yet? Can we make rain angels because of climate change? I love to get muddy on a hot Christmas morning.

Oh yeah cell phones, am I right folks? Phone during dinner, Skype before bedtime, bombard everybody with Whatsapp! Fucking narcissists that I am I never seem to turn mine off! Here’s a livestream of me making a bologna sandwich!

Cut this video into three parts so I can watch them individually:

And Then Back Here: Bologna Stew

At Home With My Ass In Hot Wax

Alone At Lunch, with Ham And Cheese Sandwiches

On The Square Daytime TV Until About 4:30 And On

To Each His Own

It’ll be a whole YouTube series, complete with zooms for comedic effect. Get it? Zoom!!! Zoomer! Boomers are dumb hehehe I am witty.