Review: Spiderman: No Way Home

Peter Parker is at it again. Slacking off all day with Mary Jane, never showing up to work with pictures of Spiderman. We’re such big figures in the media we got an advance screener copy on VHS. We popped that ferric bad boy into our VCR and kicked back.

Adjust your tracking

Record this to cassette and pop that shit in your JVC boombox!

The movie starts off with Peter Parker breakdancing to Afrika Bambaataa, giving us the clich√© teenager dude from the 1980s. Execs know that kids loved Stranger Things surely they’ll love more 1980s nostalgia shoved in their faces! I just don’t understand why they used Steve Urkel in the background instead of Alf, he was so much better. Hah, Alf eats cats, pretty funny right?

The first scene takes place when the kid first puts on his costume. Not only is the outfit creepy but it looks like it was made by someone who didn’t think ahead. It’s like the janitor gave him the gear and said ‘get this trash out of here’. With great responsibility comes custodial powers.

I’m seein’ stars!

Beenadick Cumberbund makes an appearance as Doctor Strangler. He sings a musical number about how he hates spiders and there’s not enough Raid in the world to handle all of his spider-hate. He is not an enemy of Spiderman but he’s jealous of his huge spiderjohnson. He flies into the air asking if anyone wants a free tarot reading half the film.

Let me tell you something fellas:

In this one, Spider-Man has a funny beard. Seriously, if you look carefully you can see that little oval spot on the top lip where it gets wavy and then at the end takes a sharp right angle. Is our little spider boy blossoming into a full grown man that will listen to Jordan Peterson alone in his basement apartment? We’re proud spiderparents.

Willam Dafoe recants his role as a bit of a scientist himself and the whole thing feels like an algorithmic amalgamation of Spiderman memes. By the end of the film I was disappointed there weren’t 5 Spidermans all pointing at each other. The multiverse concept came close but no meme-cigar!

Wasted potential

Quickly Robin, to the spidermobile!

Spidey refuses to come out from under the mask for some reason saying his face would be too cold! WTF?! We think that is cowardly for a hero with super human strength. Instead of climbing walls Spiderman often takes his Geo Metro and is late to save the day over and over. It’s very frustrating to watch him struggle.

There’s nothing new or exciting about Spidey. Even Captain America, Batman get together for some quality time fighting stuff. A lot of the fight scenes are pointless with all three making a valiant effort but not enough to achieve anything worthwhile. When Spiderman 1 came out it broke new ground and this feels like we’re traversing the past for yet another bland Spiderman movie.

Toby Maguire has let himself go but we still love him.

We liked seeing Tobey Maguire again but it wasn’t enough to pave over the multiverse cop-out.

We think making Queen Latifa the bad guy was tone deaf in today’s racially charged world. We would have rather seen a Latinx little person doing poi in order to feel more represented.

I mean does NYC not have any Latinx poi dancers? Hollywood triggers me every single movie with this shit.

How could it end this way?

How could Spider-Man: No Way Home be this disappointing? You’d think the sequel/reboot/cash grab would have been better but nope. It’s your typical money hungry super hero movie that slaps you in the face and leaves a bad taste in your popcorn filled candy hole.

Henry Kissinger is looking scary as usual

The fight between Spiderman and Henry Kissinger was amazing. I could not believe Kissinger has so many mechanical claws!

We have seen him beat the living piss out of muggers in an alternate reality and now we get to see him exchange blows with a war criminal.

The family aspect that Spider-Man is trying to maintain is basically drowned in a sea of despair.

Despite being friends with MJ we saw a tired Mary Jane who had lost her joie de vivre.

She does flash her tits and wink at the camera but that can’t be enough to get me to whip it out in the theater. What do I look like PeeWee Herman?!

Tom Holland’s flat performance made me punch a locker just to feel something again. We’re petitioning to deport him to jolly old England where he can kiss the queens ass instead of ruining our American Freedom Films.

Overall I give this motion picture one flaming dumpster fire of culture. Of course fans of the comics will be disappointed that yet again no Venom, no Carnage, none of the other Marvel heroes that make Spiderman into Spiderman. How can this be a multiverse if it’s just 2000 different versions of Spiderman being spidey.

LAME! Even J. Jonah Jameson has had enough motion pictures of Spiderman.