How To Keep Gargoyles From Crashing Your Picnic

We’ve all been there: you’re out for a nice picnic when a gargoyle eats your grilled cheese sandwich!

How can one keep their food safe and their picnic gargoyle free?

I’ll tell you how but I’m going to do it in listicle form because this is what all of the internet has been reduced to.


  • Gargoyles are attracted to cold food like ice cream, pickled fish, and sandwiches. Take advantage of their weakness by setting an ice cold TV dinner in a bear trap. There’s no way a gargoyle could resist that and then bam he turns from gargoyle into old man walking his dog saying he’s going to sue me!
  • When packing your picnic keep in mind the time of day, or time of night, and pack accordingly. Try setting up shop during times with low gargoyle activity. This varies city to city, and country to country.
  • Ask a friend if they can spot you while you spread some cheese on a cracker. Distraction is how they win the battle, so always keep guard. Two machine guns in hand should ward off any gargoyle menace patrolling the park for their next victim.
  • Leave your cellphone at home. Gargoyles have a partnership with Apple and Google to get real time location data. What, you didn’t read the terms of service?
  • In fact let go of everything: wands, cellphones, knives, swords… anything that might be considered a material possession. We all serve the gargoyles now. I mean no, gargoyles are bad! Bring your magic sword wand! They almost had me under their spell.


  • Instead take these stones as talismans, amulets to ward off evil spirits and summon angels. You’ll find yourself more comfortable with a placid faced angel judging you as you eat one of every creature on your charcuterie board.
  • Make sure you don’t put too much mayo on the bread. Gargoyles got to watch their figures, and so do you. Why did you bring 3 gallons of mayo to lunch?
  • Wear a clove of garlic in your sandwich gloves. You know? Those leather gloves that gentlemen wear while they eat sub sandwiches. Oh you’ve never heard of them? I guess you’re just too poor to understand the upper class.
  • Stop thinking of gargoyles as funny little creatures in paintings, or silly imaginary friends in children’s stories. Instead think of them as savage beasts with sharp teeth and claws who’ll try to destroy your entire life if given half a chance. Maybe some missing sandwiches will shock you into your senses.
  • I can sell you a magic saxophone that keeps gargoyles and employment away. It won’t protect you from space aliens though. But still it’s worth mentioning. So if you ever feel tempted please send me a DM on social media like MySpace.
  • Just remember if you’re the one in charge you always get to decide where the last biscuit crumbs fall, not the gargoyle. Keep your watchful eye and always tip your Van Helsing monster hunter. They keep picnics safe.
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Pork Chop

Writer/Contributor. Not like the other girls.