Man Who Never Laughs: I Get Jokes, OK?

I get jokes, you know. I laugh. Some might think I am not laughing right now but I am. In my mind, the funny part is not what you said at all. It is how you said it.

Yeah, you told a joke, but it’s just plain not funny. As a bit of a comedy expert myself I’m here to inform you on some good natured funny things that will make you chuckle.

Comedy is an art form and you need to understand the basic tenets of laughter before attempting any of these.

That’s why I leave comedy to the professionals. It can be very risky for an amateur to attempt a new type of joke because if they are bad they could insult or offend their target audience.

This could get your comedian license revoked and then you’ll be cursed to a life of mediocrity. No one wants that! NO ONE!

Things that are funny:

  • Entertainment from 30 years ago. Oh so topical!
  • Puppets with racist accents. “I KEEEL YOU”, oh that was so funny. He was a terrorist who was a puppet, or was it the other way around? Either way dead brown people is hilarious if it’s for a good cause and war is always a good cause.
  • Jokes about iPhone apps. OMG, so many to choose from, thanks Steve Jobs!
  • Commentary about Boomers/Millenials. Age difference alert! I can’t stop laughing.
  • References to celebrity trivia. Brad Pitt and I are so close that I know what he ate for lunch last week. It doesn’t matter he doesn’t know MY name. If you can reference anything celebs do, I will laugh my butt off (responsibly!)
  • Black guys insulting white guys. This NEVER gets old. Extra points if I feel exposed for my white privilege. Way too funny.
  • Fat guys talking about being fat. Wow, I didn’t realize you were overweight sir but now that you point it out it’s quite humorous how you snack constantly.
  • Women talking about their dirty underwear and smelly vaginas. Who needs decency or hygiene when you’re a young comedienne sleeping her way to SNL? Always funny. Best representation, am I right ladies?
  • Ex-girlfriends/ex-boyfriends. Dating is weird, please talk about it so I can feel like my cat isn’t my spouse.

Things that aren’t funny:

  • Cursing. Really fellas, you’re going to use swears? Not funny!
  • Politics. We get it, you have CNN!
  • Gender differences. I see no difference between a man and woman because of No Child Left Behind.
  • Violence. If the Three Stooges were so funny then why are they all dead?!
  • Insulting Stupidity. It’s not polite to upset people, even if they are needing help with their belts.
  • Mocking people’s religions. All I can say is this; Jesus has a great sense of humor!
  • Sex jokes. Copulation is best kept between a man and a woman during the once a year when mating season arrives.
  • Making fun of celebrities. Do you know how hard they work to read lines for 20 hours out of the year?! You’re just a hater who is jealous of their many life skills like getting their butt wiped by a foreign national indentured into domestic servitude! What you thought people went to school to be butlers?
  • Do not make fun of Star Wars, Dungeons and Dragons, or my favorite anime. This is not cool. Not cool at all. I’ll have you know it’s a hate crime to dislike baby Yoda.

See was that so hard?

As you can see there’s a lot to learn if you want to attempt a chuckle fest, a laugh riot, or a hehehe-convention. Don’t worry; as long as you keep in mind some of the key points in comedy like believability and timing (the more you do, the less you may feel like doing) you should be fine.

The biggest downfall of comedy is hurting people’s feelings. People want to go to a comedy show and hear compliments about all races, genders, creeds, and beliefs. It’s about time comedy stops with the surly talk and grows up to pat people on the back.

Remember: if you’re telling a joke don’t look for your next victim to skewer like some kind of Vlad The Impaler. Instead think to the hilarious Gallagher who proved that smashing melons with a sledgehammer was the most sincere form of comedy. A tool used to smash a fruit?! HAHAHAHAHA SO ABSURD! Good clean fun. Good clean jokes. Perfect comedy.

Current comedians should take a page out of Hannah Gadsby’s book and write jokes to entertain and thrill all. The second I hear a Gadsby joke, I know my ribs are going to be sore from all the laughter. Yes I know a thing or two about laughter, I get jokes, you do not, so quit trying to hurt people with “comedy”. By the way you don’t define comedy, I DO! Comedy is inclusive and humor is for everybody, but not you or you or you.

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Greg Nepostein

Op-ed Writer. My father got me this job and if you don't like it you're incompetent!