Even Secreter Menu Revealed!

Everyone knows about the secret menu at McDonald’s. That’s why they call it a secret!

Little do people know is that there is another menu: a secret secret menu. This one really is a secret though.


1. Lobster Bisque — Yes, you can get gourmet bisque from ANY McDonalds. It just looks like regular McDonalds soup. That’s because a group of researchers hacked into Micky D’s and added Lobster. The tagline on this item states: “Top Secret. Available While Supplies Last.”

2. Chicken Nugget Still Clucking — Alive nuggets taste the best for reasons that nobody wants to talk about in polite company. Don’t worry, they chop the beaks off before they throw them in the fryer.

3. Chef’s Choice — A radish salad perhaps? Some beef tar-tar? A platter of shrimp kebabs? At McDonald’s anything is possible when the chef is picking.

4. Booze Slushie — Just sayin’.

5. Glazed Drumstick– Probably not as good as it sounds. I would choose maple syrup dipped chicken over glaze anyway. However, I am sure secretly eating drumsticks can get you places (see: prison).

6. Beast Burger– With Bacon Chunks! YES! MORE PORK FAT FOR ME!

7. Xtreme Hot Fries with napalm sauce — Do you want to turn red and wish you were never born both while eating and while digesting? Great news here! French fries have been refined by food scientists whose last gig was making Frankenstein style monsters.

8. I had seen and ate a Minion once.

9. Veal Chops With White Wine Sauce — You gotta love things your momma didn’t cook. Okay maybe you don’t love them. Who is she kidding? Who doesn’t love food that your mother didn’t make? Give your mom a high five for birthing the next Einstein.

10. Dirty Bird Sandwich — Grilled dove breast meat drizzled in an authentic (but seriously lacking) chimichurri. This one made me swerve out of my lane of traffic across a 9 lane highway to get another one.

11. Unhappy Meal — This is what the employees eat apparently.

12. Value Snacks Box — Chewy ribbits, 100 biscuits, BBQ nuts, potato-sprinkles n’ stuff. What more could you ask for except more!

13. Tofu Milkshake — How bad does it taste? LIKE SHIT!

NOT A SPONSORED STORY: Don’t eat at McDonald’s. It’ll kill you and your entire family.