They say the internet is dead. No, no, no. The internet is very alive with bot activity. Mostly because you brain dead morons love your big tech walled gardens. You don’t want to deal with privacy and freedom when you can go play ‘who wants to ignore my posts because they’re big fat jerks’?! I am talking to you!
HOW ABOUT DISCONTENT
Somewhere along the way the internet changed what the word ‘content’ means. It’s true that the old internet was a little boring but it was an honest web. Well except for all those scams and weird porn sites, but that’s beside the point. The old internet was built by people for people because corporations couldn’t fathom a world where people sat online all day instead of getting sunlight on their wretched skin. That’s right the world’s biggest companies didn’t even own .coms in the beginning.
But not anymore. In many ways websites are a redundancy to most of the internet users. Now we have these huge giant global corporatized information dumps like YouTube, Facebook, Reddit, and so many others that are used as a replacement for the real web. No content to be found just a bunch of braying idiots spewing opinions they read somewhere else and whatever the fuck game livestreaming has become.
I CAN HEAR THE MODEM SCREAM AND IT BRINGS A TEAR TO MY EYE
In the days of old they call them ‘communities’, and they even had real life meet ups where everyone generally got along. Compare that to today’s weird socially inept world of doxxing, swatting, stalking, and shooting someone just because they don’t like your post on TikTok. What even is internet culture anymore? Impressing corporations? Selling your body for meager stacks of cash in a world devoid of equality?
The golden age of web is long gone. If you want the old version of the internet back then you’re just fucked. The type of people who use the internet today are permanently online. They’re not normal folks checking out this newfangled internet thing. No, the type of people on every app leaving comments because they live life through a screen. A flickering blue light, so beautiful and inviting, that won’t let them leave. Their eyes are grey and red but god damnit they got 400 likes. That’s like owning land and doing well in life.
SLAVE FOR THE MACHINE
Screens aren’t bad but whatever the fuck corporations have done to humans is beyond reason. We’ve become weird little trolls, complete strangers, and we’re now arguing over the stupidest shit imaginable with people we’ll never meet face to face. Even if you wanted to meet some of these people you’d probably be horrified to learn how they actually live. Think about it: at some point you probably tried to win the favor of someone who has a toilet in their kitchen. God damn we’re stupid.
With the current system though it doesn’t matter whether you deserve to be liked or not. You will pay the big tech gurus who are saving up for robotic dogs that bite people and drink their blood. But guess what? Your ass isn’t going anywhere and they know it. You’ll continue scrolling up and down and getting your feelings hurt about swiping left and right.
An entire world of people clamoring for the validation from a machine is almost poetic if it didn’t make me vomit all over my brand new shoes. Who wants this infantile shit? We’d all rather piss away our lives than grow the fuck up and walk away from the toxic cesspool that is the corporate internet.
YOU AIN’T NO MODERATOR
We all know of the weirdo cultists that make every community an awkward tribe that they are the fat jowely chieftains of. From the hobby forums to the Facebook groups, everything is ruined because normal people won’t touch technology unless a big corporation makes it as easy as pressing start on a microwave.
DEAD INTERNET, SHMED SMINTERNET
Is the internet dead? Hell no, it’s just taken over by sexual deviants who want to groom kids and harass ladies while also calling themselves good people. Don’t get caught up in this artificial culture war garbage. Take the internet back from the furries who for some reason think that’s what grown ups do. We all know it’s the furries who we scapegoat for all of our problems.
No one capable cares though because we’re just here to say ‘enshittification’ a lot in comment threads. We say this because our cult leader Cory Doctorow who does something important that we can’t figure out. No we don’t want to fix the problem, we just want to sound smart like Doctor Cory P.I. Save Geocities with Cory Feldman! Someone do something! No one is using my forums! HELP! MOM! PEOPLE ARE BEING MEAN TO ME ON THE INTERNET!
NO THE CHILDREN ARE WRONG
Some folks say that commentators and pundits like myself fed into corporate America’s fetishization of downsizing and outsourcing. But I say that’s a bunch of hogwash!
Chant with me:
ENSHITTIFICATION
ENSHITTIFICATION
ENSHITTIFICATION
ENSHITTIFICATION
ENSHITTIFICATION
ENSHITTIFICATION
ENSHITTIFICATION
I AM SMART
ENSHITTIFICATION
ENSHITTIFICATION
ENSHITTIFICATION
I AM A DOCTOROW DISCIPLE
ENSHITTIFICATION
ENSHITTIFICATION
ROBERT SCOBLE IS HERE FOR SOME REASON
NO ONE INVITED YOU BOB
FUCK OFF ON OUT HERE WITH YOUR SCOBOLIZER WE’RE SAYING
ENSHITTIFICATION
ENSHITTIFICATION
ENSHITTIFICATION
IN CONCLUSION, THE OLD GUY IS ALWAYS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING BECAUSE HE HAS MONEY
Now if you excuse me I am going to yell at homeless people with Bryan Brushworm and think about my former coworker Sarah and her sweet tits as my bride. Yes I’m happily married, why do you ask? Before I go out for fun time, I have to fire an intern and blacklist him into suicide. Anyone want to see my penis? No? Oopsies.
Anyone want to hear what an old man thinks about brand new tech? Back in my day we had radios you had to assemble yourself. By gum, I have an iPhone and an Android. Anyone want to see my penis yet?
Windows 12 talk in the next article. Exciting! Payola! I mean pay day! Payday candy bars are good, by gum.
