Ashton Kutcher Belongs In Jail

First Danny, now Ashton? WHAT THE FUCK! You’re FINISHED Kutcher, Fucking Get Over It!

What are you hiding Ashton? Huh? We thought Danny was a good guy and we thought you were a good guy. Are you Dracula, Mr. Kutcher? IF that is your real name!


Is there something you need to tell us, Ashton? Perhaps YOU want to float around the room sucking the blood from the supple necks of the young and naive? DOES THIS SOUND LIKE AN AMERICAN SATURDAY NIGHT TO YOU? No it does not. Fuck off you monster!

Kutcher will have his money yes, but he lost the respect of someone who used to watch him pretend smoke weed in the pretend 1970s in a pretend basement with his pretend friends. The relationships were for pretend but the rapes will last a lifetime.

Kutcher is apparently some sort of Dracula figure looming around, towering over the city in his cloak, hissing at us and smacking people on the back of their heads as they walk past and letting them bleed all over the pavement. Just like real Dracula.

To hell with this – I’m gonna go take my stupid Top Gear DVDs out of the freezer and enjoy some REAL entertainment. If you want to waste time watching shit American sitcoms then that’s your choice, but don’t be surprised when they’re all outed for being an alleged rapist like Cosby.


We want Ashton Kutcher to spend the rest of his life making license plates, breaking boulders, doing manual labor or otherwise becoming a miserable second class citizen. WE WANT HIM BACK IN THE COLD STREETS LIVING UNDER THE BRIDGE!

Ashton Kutcher should never be allowed to work again because he is a total asshole and jerk apparently. He is a bad example for children and he should never be allowed to even say the word “child” again without some accusing him of one of his many secret crimes he must do. I mean writing a defense for a rapist is pretty low, so what else could this Dracula be hiding from us?

Is he on a UFO right now? Aboard the UFO smoking weed with Joe Rogan, Big foot, Elvis, and Marilyn Monroe? Is he on mars now building pyramids to cover up our existence? FUCK YOU ASHTON!

Things that will happen to Ashton Kutcher in jail:

  1. His pale skin will be melted off with birthday candles while his family watches.
  2. Satan will turn him into Hillary Clinton during the State of the Union Address.
  3. Aliens will harvest his flesh after realizing he has little body fat and find a new victim for their grey probing fingers.
  4. Steven Seagal will deliver the “You can’t handle the truth!” speech in person, immediately killing him (again).
  5. Someone will recognize him and try to shank him with their katana.
  6. Every one will stop watching that shitty sitcom and he’ll only have a few million left. Poor guy.
  7. Mila will cry every day becoming somehow more shrill, ugly and annoying.
  8. Red Foreman will call him a dumbass, ahahah that show was great!
  9. Ashton will find out most women hate him and continue to talk shit about him
  10. Pharrell will make an album with him called Cool Guys Don’t Look At My Panties
  11. Kanye will say he fought off Ashton’s advances but a space laser saved him at the last moment, meanwhile Bill Murray will be seen watching them through the window.
  12. Van Helsing will drive a wooden stake through his heart for not funding his business on Shark Tank.


As you can see every figure in Hollyweird is suspect. They’re all vampires, Frankenstein monsters, wolfmen, swamp things, robots, and etc.

Ashton Kutcher or Ashton Dracula?

There are several ways to determine if someone is a member of the Hollywood Undead, first sign is if you’ve heard their name. Draculas always want people to know their names. It’s how they get all those newspaper clippings for their castles.

Second sign is if you have a body count, Dracula loves having dead bodies lying around his castle.

Third sign is if they aren’t members of the Order of the Wolfman, Draculas fear wolves. Finally if you’ve had sex with one of the Hollyweird occult you turn into a pumpkin fucker.

Hey, I don’t make the rules! I just report on what the homeless people at the bus depot say to me between asking for money and threatening me. But it seems clear that many famous figures in Hollywood are suspect, why? EVIL OF COURSE!

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Dangerous Dave

Contributor. Demolitions Expert. Ladies Man. Jack of All Trades. Techie. Dog Mom.