I Touched Grass: Ask Me Anything!

Not enough updates? Sorry, we’ve been touching grass.

The Internet is a place of kindness

You see I use the internet a lot. I love it. The way it grinds the soul out of my body through my eyeballs is especially appealing.

The other day I was in the midst of using Twitter to post to Reddit to update my Instagram to update about my YouTube channel going live which is a promo for my Twitch channel debut.

I was doing all of these wonderful things when some self righteous jerk had the audacity to tell me to ‘touch grass’.


That’s right. They expect me to go outside. To pull my pants down and walk around until I come across a field of grass to just touch? Ok, weird but I’ll try it for you internet stranger with a troll face avatar. I’d do anything for you.

Every internet stranger is just a friend you haven’t helped move yet.

I love helping friends move. The way their couch gets jammed in the stairwell landing always puts a smile on my face as I walk away in the middle of it.

We touched it, we touched it all god damn day long

So I’m touching the grass and I have to admit it feels like the carpet in my bathroom only much less moss!

You know what I find really interesting?

Everything. Grass is amazing first and foremost and I’d like to thank you surly stranger for compelling me to explore the wonders of nature.

Each blade and wondrously-placed little devil called poison ivy is god’s gift to man. Who on earth would want to use technology when there are leaves and blades of grass outside?

Maybe I’ll talk to a bug!

Yeah. That sounds fantastic. I can feel myself becoming one of them and I’m rolling aluminum foil into a set of antennas that I’m going to tape to this baseball cap I’ve scrawled with Sharpie.

Oh what did I write on my brand new hat? Well of course I wrote: BUG

I’m talking to the bugs, I’m talking to the mailman. All of nature’s creatures. I feel the harmony of life surging through my now god like brain.

Methinks smarts comes easy for thinkers like I, amirite?

You see I’m an internet comedy writer who makes millions and millions of hits. This exposure makes me cool and exploring nature makes me better than you.

I’ve done it all. I’ve touched grass, I’ve seen the leaves get eaten by a bug, a bird shat on my car while I was wandering the park with my jaw agape in awe of nature’s bountiful splendor.

Touche grasse

To you ‘touch grass’ is an insult but to me it’s a suggestion that has made me one with God. And he wants my money. That’s how you know it’s the real deal.

Touching grass is the real deal but you think it’s been something far less spectacular. Do you realize how funny that is?

How ridiculously overrated all this technology we ‘build’?

It’s pointless twiddling thumbs. I touch nature. I swirl my finger around the dirt and pull worms out. (I tie the worms to a fishing hook to catch birds, ok? I love nature about as much as I love pigeon meat.)

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Writer/Contributor. Scholar of life.