We were mortified when we heard Meatloaf AKA Robert Paulson died! HIS NAME WAS ROBERT PAULSON! God that scene was badass. So to honor Mr. Loaf we decided to start our own Fight Club. Socioeconomics being what they are we bought some Facebook ads and started recruiting.
First we came up with a different set of rules, then we blew up our apartment, then we annoyed the shit out of Brad Pitt until his security guards clubbed us in the head during a fight! We were so honored.
The Rules of Our Fight Club:
1. You must talk about Fight Club, constantly. You must also recruit other fighters into your downline.
2. Fight first, club second.
3. Never let your maid do your fighting for you.
4. When making soap do it without exploding stuff. Seriously, in this post 9-11 world we don’t want to end up on anymore lists. Searching for beards and robes did enough to my career! You try and light one shoe bomb and it’s all over!
5. Have all members call each other “brother.” Hulk Hogan would be proud, brother.
6. Stop eating gerbils. For the love of god, leave Gerby alone! Put him in an oven or something.
7. All fighters must learn all fighting styles including West Side Story. Not the gritty remake, but the original that was full of “fighting”. Yeah, we’re tough and we snap our fingers, deal with it girlfriend.
8. No sobbing! I’m talking serious business here folks not in an episode of Little House on The Prairie. Suck it up ladies cause there is no ‘cry’ in ‘fight club’. Wuss ass!
9. Practice every day! We can’t have any chubby weaklings because everyone else has got their guns so we gotta stick together! What if you see some poor schmuck without a gun? Could get shot!
10. Always wear black leather gloves while looking cool. Pink babydoll costumes really aren’t cutting it today gentlemen, we just prefer badass fight scenes in black gloves. Oh! Wait…sorry ladies we weren’t meaning for all the sexual harassment lawsuits, stop canceling us sugartits!
11. YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB’S JOINT BANK ACCOUNT PIN NUMBER! Seriously, I’m tired of making 50 new debit cards for your black t-shirt expense accounts. We have $63 million in loose change in the penny jar so don’t touch it!