If you’re taking the train downtown, please watch out for Sandra Bullock. Times are tough for actors and actresses. Hollywood is under scrutiny and good roles are fewer as streaming makes big steaming piles of entertainment.
Birdbox 2: Box Harder
So it only make sense that bad ones find their way to fine actresses like Ms. Bullock. If you recall the Netflix sensation ‘Bird Box’ it was a bit of a high profile flop. Hardly any views on YouTube even!
So to try and entice those pre-streaming fans who never got a chance to watch this new original, are in for a treat. Sandra Bullock is standing on a subway platform, asking passersby if they’d like to “see her birdbox”. Eww lady, you’re withering like old fruit. Sorry but I like my produce ripe!
She follows up with some quite unapologetic bathroom language which has reached very poor proportions already but she’s actually not being rude, just kidding around as she turns away to ask another passerby.
No one is interested lady
She seems unbothered by people’s lack of interest, and people have wised up and are wearing blindfolds as they stumble around the subway corridors. These kinds of scenes of moral degradation normally make me twitch with an uncomfortable feeling.
Are we witnessing a tipping point in modern society? I didn’t see any cameras so was this some sort of Improv Everywhere rendition of Birdbox 2?
I mean I know Netflix is hard up for subscribers and Bullock needs good roles but this is ridiculous! Oh no she’s got her tits out again, fucking hell, I wish it were the 90s then maybe I wouldn’t be so scared. It’s like one of those displays of desperation that make you feel like you’re the one in the gutter.
Get the hell out of here
I immediately got on a bus that’s going over 55 MPH, Sandra can’t run that fast. Suddenly she boards at the next stop, and starts asking passengers the question. She really wants to open the coat and show the full birdbox!
I know from the first movie that this will fuck you up for life. You never come back. You never make it out alive. There are side effects such as floaters in your eyes or hallucination seeing feathery fireflies flying through buildings at night, these don’t seem too dangerous considering the family friendly movie choice of Birdbox I’d say?
But then you go on to this sequel. It’s vulgar, it’s worrisome, and it’s Sandra Bullock right behind you! FUCK RUN! IT’S TOO LATE. I AM TYPING THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE WITH A BLINDFOLD ON. I THINK I HIT CAPSLOCK BUT I CANNOT FIND IT. I AM TOO FRIGHTENED. PLEASE STOP ALL OF THESE BAD STREAMING MOVIES. PLEASE DEAR GOD.
A PASSENGER HURLED VOMIT AT ME FROM BEHIND! SHIT IS GETTING REAL. THE NEXT STOP IS COMING UP AND I AM GOING TO MAKE A RUN FOR IT. PLEASE TELL MY EXWIFE THAT I WAS BRAVE. ALSO PLEASE REMIND HER TO REMEMBER TO FEED MR. SCRUFFLES OUR CAT, SHE FORGETS TO FEED THE DAMN CAT, STUPID BITCH. WE ARE SEPARATED BUT I AM TRYING TO WORK IT OUT. THIS IS NOT HELPING, THIS IS NOT HELPING. I WILL BE PAYING ALIMONY FOR LIFE. THIS IS THE LAST TIME I TAKE PUBLIC TRANSIT.