Did you know Stephen King has ghostwriters? Yes, even for his tweets!
Here at MutantBunker we’re dedicated to journalistic integrity and that’s why we are interviewing not the writers of his boring books but the writers of his sexy tweets.
THE INTERVIEW WITH THE G-G-G-HOSTWRITER!
MUTANT BUNKER: Nice to meet you.
TWEET WRITER: Nice to meet you too, not sure why you’re not wearing a shirt though.
MUTANT BUNKER: I wanted you to know I wasn’t wearing a wire. I’m cool, we can jive. Now tell me about your job.
TWEET WRITER: It’s easy, I write tweets for the master of horror, Stephen King! He’s too old to figure out how the toaster works, wondering where you put in the shovel full of coal and he needs someone who can type at 90 WPM.
MUTANT BUNKER: Wait, 90 words per minute? That’s like typing up War & Peace in like 2 seconds! No wonder he hired you, you’ve got it all figured out. What is your job like?
TWEET WRITER: Like I said, it’s easy. I go to CNN, MSNBC and tweet out what they’re saying that day. On a slow day I go to FOXNews and find something to disagree with. Both Mr. King and I agree this sort of divisive tactics orchestrated by the entire media apparatus is really bringing the country together.
MUTANT BUNKER: Are there any days when it gets difficult? Or boring?
TWEET WRITER: Sometimes I have to write something about his books which is difficult since people quit reading anything that is non-erotic. In general though I don’t have to interact with anyone because no one expects a doddering old man who reminisces when blacks had no rights to reply to their long winded rebuttal to tweets like: “Republicans, what a bunch of bad guys.”
MUTANT BUNKER: Does Stephen King keep any of the ghosts from the spooky hotel around the office?
TWEET WRITER: I don’t know, I work remote. I’ve never actually met him in person. All I do is stare at this horrible photo of him over my monitor, every time I see that face it reminds me of who I am, and that’s somebody working for some miserable hack who got lucky because he liked cocaine.
MUTANT BUNKER: That’s not very nice of you.
TWEET WRITER: What can I say, I’m a real BITCH!
Well well well well…
So I didn’t end up getting to meet the spooky twins, the tricycle kid, the weird dog guy, Scatman Crothers or Kubrick but I did have to reconnect the Zoom call about 12 times.
King is probably somewhere writing a spooky story about a cocaine addict who has to write sad tweets because he got out of prison or some story about a kid from rural Maine who grew up to do cocaine and then write about skeletons who see the future.
Maybe he’s on Twitter right now calling Donald Trump a stinky doo doo head [sic ’em boy!], or at least his tweet writer is scouring the news looking for juicy ones to sow some good old fashioned division among the working class. HOW HEROIC OF YOU MR KING! YOU ARE WHY I BECAME A WRITER!|
Maybe King will join us here next week for our annual Thanksgiving horror feature. We can all use a good laugh about his choice of breakfast cereal. This old fucker probably doesn’t even know why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch (HINT: it’s the lead in the cinnamon that adds sweetness that cannot be beat)!