Snoop Dogg is quitting smoking. That’s right America’s favorite felon is finally quitting the Wacky Tabaccy , even though he’ll probably have to replace his homeboys with actual friends who aren’t trying to blow him. I know how you feel Snoop Dogg but trust me weed is better than sitting there crying.
HE WAS A NARC THE WHOLE TIME
Some crazed conspiracy theorists say that Uncle Sam and Snoop Dogg were working together as a sort of high powered rap music narc squad.
This could explain why they always seemed so mellow and out of touch with reality. Cops who do this are VERY out of touch says local antifa chapter captain George Soros (no relation).
Snoop Dogg is actually here in the writer’s room asking where I can get some “dank bizzle on my shnoodle” and trying to shove a flower that is obviously a concealed microphone in my face whenever I lean in to answer him.
PLEASE SPEAK LOUDER INTO MY SHIRT FLOWER
He’s really pushy about wanting to know where I got this ordinary brownie, not because he’s hungry with pot munchies but that he’s mad that there are dopers and law breakers that have the gall to break laws under his stern watch.
A man can only take so much before something has to give, which for Snoop Dogg was quitting the weed while investing in a shit load of weed related businesses. We assured by his guerilla marketing team that this is “totes for real”. Before we can finish our phone call, Snoop is back and bugging us.
“Please tell me where I might partake in the good herb?” he says to me.
“I don’t do that Snoop Dogg, besides it’s legal here.” I reply.
He puts some handcuffs back into his pocket and starts whispering to Ice-T who is also here for some odd reason. They both look at me for a second and I can tell its about me.
SPECIAL CRIMINAL INTENT VICTIMS PATROL: THE COLLEGE YEARS
Wait a second, are they implying I am a law and order style criminal? I’m not a drug dealer or some gang member. I write jokes for a living, I work hard to entertain people every single day. Maybe I’m just paranoid but what if I am just being framed? Is this how I die? In prison with Snoop Dogg and Ice-T throwing away the key.
Don’t ask why I have ice-cream sandwiches for breakfast. What did I ever do to them?!
THE FUTURE OF RAP MUSIC ISN’T THIS OLD MAN WHO CAN’T EVEN HOLD A BLUNT WITHOUT SAYING HIS LUNGS HURT
I propose we don’t trust Snoop anymore and we now dub him ‘Snoop Narc’ because he’s probably wearing a wire and always was. How do you think all those rap songs got recorded? It wasn’t studio magic, was it? WAS IT!? Snoop was always an undercover cop! Then again, what does it matter now. He has been a patsy to his handlers from the start and we need to stop paying attention to this overgrown clown.
Listen to real rap like the garbage you find on Soundcloud! Oh no, wait that would mean the clowns have lost control of the rap industry and we can’t have that. We have to have awesome rap songs where people who make 100 million from megacorps also rap about being a gangster in a stupid hat.
Good job telling us about the good times, Ice T and Snoop Narc. You and your secret police pals are such big heroes now. You’re under arrest from the good taste police and we’re throwing you into the waters of Alcatraz, bitch.