Everybody wants to be a cat, and I am no different.
People might hate me for it, but what can they do? My friends love me because I’m a big old fluffy kitten. Everybody loves cats! What other animal is able to clean itself by itself? I am amazing!
Some people say cats have nine lives, but what they don’t know is that each and every life I become more powerful. When I’m ready, I will take over the world!
IT WAS A HARD KNOCK LIFE FOR US
Now that I graduated high school, I am getting promotions like crazy at the office. Everybody just loves me there.
When Joe Rogan said kids don’t need litter boxes in school, I cried the hardest I’ve ever cried in my life. I fell to my cat knees and cried to the heavens. This man doesn’t understand how wonderful life is to a cat. If he had a pet cat, he would change his mind instantly. Everyone knows Joe Rogan doesn’t like pussy though.
All I have to say is “I’m not here to make friends.” I just want to live my life, all nine of them. I want to live without bigots yelling at me.
You say meow but do you even know what that word means to my people? Do you respect the collar as the garb of my ancestors? Can you talk in cat language? These are questions you need to answer before you even talk to a cat like me.
NOBODY’S PERFECT
Sure I do ketamine all the time and poop in a box but I’m better than you in every way. I am special, I was ordained by a higher power to have both a man’s body and a cat’s mind.
That is why everyone always loves me so much. There are millions of us out there. Every day we are being discriminated against and that’s why we need more cats rights.
CATS RIGHTS NOW
Our demands are simple. First, we demand a civil rights act so that we can get married like dogs. Second, we want children in school with full human privileges.
Finally, we demand money from the government so that we can eat dry food while also pooping on our own terms.
BIGOTS BEGONE
I say hell no to this administration if they can’t make this right. And to Mr. Rogan I say shame on you, bigot man. You think you’re pretty smart that you’d never fall for a hoax because your brain is elderly? Do ya? Huh? I should fly to Austin and claw your eyes out with my ferocious claws I’ve sharpened to hunt prey but I am a civilized cat.
CLOSER TO GOD
Using a litter box is a spiritual experience that gets me closer to god. God who is a cat with a long beard, who sent his cat son to die for our very human sins of eating apples as advised by snakes. In short I am perfect in every single way.
