Your podcast is awful! We all talk about how you can’t even get it right. When we listen your voice is like a cheese grater to our ears and those sponsors? What do you get like $10 for that? I’ll give you ten bucks right now to quit podcasting forever.
You ever open your eyes in the morning and your first thought is: There are too many podcasts by too many shitty comedians?
I do every single day of my life. I hate them all!
No, wait, I just hate what they’re doing. They use this medium to sell their half formed thoughts instead of getting a job. I said it. Get a job podcasters, especially comedian podcasters who are doubly unemployed.
It’s a new medium for mediocrity
We’ll give the OG podcasts a pass but the new guard is fucking terrible. Oh you want to sell me mattresses and glasses and underwear, fuck you! You’re a comedian I want comedy out of you not shilling ads and looking like a sold out piece of feces on display.
Take my $10. Podcasters are the new record companies except without any real creative talent. There’s these big companies that churn out 10000 shitty podcasts a day so lonely people don’t have to talk to another human. It’s sad, it’s pathetic, it’s not entertainment and you should be ashamed!
My problem with all podcasts is that they let all that negative energy seep into the good ones. People in all kinds of professions come on and say the least flattering things they think they can get away with about their co-hosts. This is why the world is a disaster!
Intellectual Desert Web
Podcasts use what’s called parasocial interaction to get you on the hook to trick you into buying shit you don’t need. It’s worse than Jay Leno ever had to be because he didn’t interrupt his guest to suddenly start talking about a car in the way only marketing copywriters think.
Stop with the tricks, it’s gypsy magic and I won’t have it. Spotify can suck a fat one for going from music to podcasts. Maybe you wouldn’t have to promote so many podcasts if you would have done music right in the first place, you bloated shitty app.
Podcasters just starting today actually get some sympathy. They’re deep in the shit thinking there’s some art form to telling people to buy products they don’t believe in. You can hear it in their vacant tone that they’d rather be doing something else. Guess what jackass? I AM DOING SOMETHING ELSE I AM SHUTTING OFF YOUR PODCASTS AND YELLING IN AN ARTICLE!
“REEEEE I LISTEN TO JRE! REEE!”
100 million dollars went to Joe Rogan and his shitty podcast that consists of talking about coyotes and giving verbal blowjobs to his mediocre comedian friends like Bert Kreischer who’s only talent is seeming like some poor girl’s shirtless drunk stepdad who lets you smoke cigarettes because “he’s a cool adult”. Despite this Kreischer has lucked out and landed a podcast with Bill Burr who somewhere along the way decided to get neutered.
It’s awful. It really is. I can’t stand these fucking voices anymore. Not the ones in my head, the oni who screams at me when I masturbate is preferable to anything Ari Shaffir has ever done. Don’t get me started on Rogan’s “standup” which is just a bald guy yelling for an hour and patting himself on the back later on his podcast. For a guy who does so much DMT, you’re not experiencing much egodeath there Mr. Rogan.
Politics as usual
Then you have political podcasts which are totally sided on two aisles and propped up in a boring corporate new media way in order to fan the flames of partisanship. Yeah political podcasts would be a lot more interesting if the call to action was more than “hate the other side their asses smell worse than ours”. That’s not a political platform and it’s a weak political opinion. What is this the Superbowl and you can only cheer for the winning team like some sort of tourist? Why are there so few political opinions? Could it be that both sides are funded not by the listeners but some think tank in Washington DC?
Quit while you’re ahead
Fuck podcasts. Fuck podcasters. Do me a big favor and throw all of those mics, mixing boards and video editors right into the fucking trash compactor. Ignore the screams and listen to the crunch. Then thank me because I’ve freed up your life to do something other than sell bullshit to lonely assholes with no money.
Do advertisers honestly think people who listen to free podcasts are doing so because they’re looking to spend money? Fuck no! Anyone who is listening to a podcast is a cheap prick who tries to split the bill on coffee with their grandma. Just pay for your granny’s drink already.
First impressions aren’t monetized but they should be
Listen to them when you first hear a podcaster opening their mouth with their chewy tone and pretend you haven’t heard him before. Think about what he has to say and then decide if you want to carry his burden or make it lighter. Your decision is final!
Most podcasters aren’t true standup comics anyway so find someone you think could hold their own, except there isn’t any. Carlin is dead. Hicks is dead. Lenny Bruce, fucking dead. All of the greats are dead. Now enjoy what lesbian Pete Holmes thinks about the world and bask in its lack of originality.
Maybe you don’t like comedy at all and you’re more of a Gadsby Nannette type and if that’s the case would you like me to read my father’s eulogy in lieu of telling jokes? Huh you dramatic little shits!?
Comedy is supposed to be funny, not a tediously boring anecdote. This isn’t Stories From The Stage, sirs and maddams! This is comedy and be fucking funny or we’re going to throw tomatoes and bricks at you.
Maybe you’re one of those history podcast types and I have nothing to say against those other than read a god damn book. What do you think the podcaster is some genius? No he read a book and he’s paraphrasing it and you’re calling him a genius with your dick hanging out of your pants. Weird ass people online anymore let me tell you.
I’m writing all this in an empty McDonald’s bathroom where the only two customers are about to go home and it’s funnier than anything you’re going to hear on any comedians podcast. You have to read it aloud but you did pass 2nd grade right? RIGHT? Shit.
Don’t fuck/marry/kill the messenger
Do you think podcasts suck? I sure hope so, otherwise you’re probably sharpening your guns right now getting ready to dox my dog and shit down his throat for offending your god and messiah — some hack podcaster.
Just send me your donations instead and we’ll call it even, ok? OK.
This is what the future looks like son. It’s a bunch of sad people talking to other sad people so those latter sad people send all their money to the former sad people. It’s a convoluted process but it defines the podcast economy.
If you enjoy podcasts I’m sorry but we’re going to have to confiscate your ears and give them to someone who wants to listen to something worthwhile. Have you ever really listened to Mozart? He doesn’t talk about cancel culture at all!
What about MY feelings?
I don’t want to hear you complaining about me on your podcast. Your fat jowls swinging in the wind, your breath still smelling like cheetohs and in your head are fantasies about going on Joe Rogan’s podcast but first you have to impress Lex Fridman in order to get Rogan’s number. So you take martial arts and beat him at chess and he finally thinks you’re cool enough to hang out with the Lex Dawg, a name he has given to himself. You’re invited one day as he stands naked in front of a penthouse window in Austin. Yes, he’s still wearing the bowtie. As Lex and Joe stand nude looking over the homeless population in Austin they hold hands Rogan says “You’ve made it, buddy” as he hands you a severed elk head.
You want this to be you so bad, don’t you? Fucking pathetic. All podcasters are pathetic. Every single last one.
This post was sponsored by Fuck Your Podcast You Stupid Cornbread Moron and Get Rich Quick Schemes Everywhere.
Now get the hell off my website before I call the cops. You’re scaring my pets with your horrid body odor.