The Fabelmans Review: Spielberg Is A Sad Old Man

Spielberg is back and he’s sad! His parents got a divorce and it sucks. He doesn’t like his weekend dad, and it must suck to be him!

The Fabelmans

The Fabelmans is a fictional biopic about Spielberg himself, a guy who made a living telling us all lies and making us feel emotions that we really don’t.

Take E.T. for example, who gives a damn about aliens that are poop colored wanting to borrow your phone?

Who cares that Elliott is really Steven Spielberg? Especially now. Well apparently Steven Spielberg does and he’s here to tell you all about how his parents got divorced in the most cheesy Hollywood way possible.

I’m crying plastic tears

The movie is dripping with saccharin emotion drummed up just for the sake of getting the ol’ cameras out for the elderly Spielberg. No one stopped him because he’s rich.

Let me repeat, HE’S RICH. Longer than you’ve been alive, he’s been rich. Counting his dollar bills and probably chuckling at the homeless as he drives over to the money bonfire that him and every rich Hollywood type has. No it’s not really a bonfire, but lavish parties with no expenses spared.

Gonna need a montage

But despite being sentimental and loving these so called “memories” through the magic lantern of montage, it felt a little too self serving as a movie.

Who was this for?

It wasn’t for me, so it must be for some kind of deranged Spielberg fanatic. The type of weirdo who has bought deeper into the legend of the famous director than they have in any mainstream religion. The type of jerk off who went to film school and has to call every movie with stark lighting a ‘film’. Don’t you dare call it a ‘movie’ you uncultured clod!

Who cast this movie? Ray Charles’ bones?

Spielberg has had a long career of successes but somehow the one-note Seth Rogen ends up in a dramatic role, something he was never good at. Even in Freaks and Geeks Seth Rogen was the worst actor and that’s saying a lot of teen actors.


The whole movie you’re wondering if you’ll see anything worth remembering but it’s a lot of pretty cinematography to hide the fact there is no movie here.

The plot is boring unless you really want to bask in Steven Spielberg as a legend instead of seeing him as a sad old man. The same sad old man subjecting the world to his self-directed auteur biopic only because he’s feeling the cold hand of death tapping him on the shoulder. Tap tap tap tap, it’s bone man taking you to the grave!

I was not entertained

In watching this feeble piece of entertainment, Spielberg becomes something of a joke. Discarding his own legend for narcissism, staring at the placid lake enamored by his own reflection. Having no real past, no historic meaning.

Out of touch and out of his mind

Steven remembering childhood fondly is a nice attempt but absent knowing anything of his adulthood at all makes you question why even bother? We know you made movies but why do we care about your parent’s divorce?

In reality there was a major pandemic, economic shifts, there’s been countless catastrophic events, the planet is warming but we’re wasting resources on giving Steven Spielberg a pat on the back simply because he used Hollywood trickery to make you cry about a rubber alien? No thanks, I’ll be watching something starring either The Rock or Hulk Hogan. You know, real films.

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Writer/Contributor. Likes working out, drinking slime, and hassling nerds.