We traveled inside the Metaverse and you won’t believe the adventures we had. No we didn’t get groped but we tried. It was Christmas and we strapped on our headset. We flailed around and punched grandma square in the jaw. She passed out in the eggnog and we took her to the hospital.
After we dumped granny at the doctor we got back to wandering the amazing world the folks at Facebook, I mean Meta have come up with. It’s amazing to me how decades ago standing too close to the TV was bad for your eyes and now it’s encouraged!
All my hope strapped to my eyes
Some people call the VR metaverse dystopian but as your token tech reviewer, I give it a solid 17 thumbs up!
I recommend that if you don’t already use Facebook that you put a lot of time into building your avatar. Don’t even try and pretend to be someone else. For example, “I am a dog.” There is no way in hell that person is really a dog. Fuck that!
We flew around without our legs looking for anyone to grope us but it didn’t work. I tried pretending to be a dog myself but no one took the bait.
Overall I find the promises Meta made about groping to be disappointing for someone who wanted a little companionship on Christmas Day. Don’t mind the boner in my pants, I am fighting terrorists in VR!
Journey is its own reward — NOT!
Onwards we flew and as the days went by the view below became more apparent. Our journey would take us from this beautiful continent to a bordello of robots and something that felt like corporate VRML amalgamated into a Second Life hellscape.
All these people in their fur suits flailing around like idiots while listening to fucking disco music! Even in a situation where there were barely any costumes or themes!
How dare they interfere with my incredible VR story? Why are we here? A giant green woman passed us carrying what looked like two cups. I said “hey baby, gonna grope me” and she got mad! Mad at me! Don’t these people understand I am a journalist!?
Needs work in order to reach crass appeal
Meta Horizons World was very disappointing from our point of view. No zombies to kill with very gory kills, no groping by females or males (we tried both it’s 2021 come on bro), and it did not feel as fun as buying skins in Warzone. Overall we hope for more titles with zombie groping and Warzone like skinning.
In the mean time I’ll be on World of Warcraft looking for orc on orc action but who knows maybe that’s illegal now too!
