The Politeness Police

Is it really so hard to be nice, you buck toothed moron? Do we have to have this conversation with the lowest common denominator of a mind-set constantly demanding satisfaction at the expense of anything else in life—toil, culture, tradition, beauty, honor? Why do we insist on being assholes?

Can’t you just pay someone a compliment your horse faced loser? Can’t you smile and nod like everyone else? Can’t you keep it up for a few minutes at least? You’re not fooling anyone, prick!

The Politeness Police are advising citizens to be nice, or else they will be bludgeoned by the baton that canceled the best of them.

We were always nice, before you came along. Then you had to come along and be a huge jerk to everyone. How does it feel to be such an asshole?

Try having a little bit of courtesy. If people treat you politely then there’s no need to feel guilty for being rude. Look at us for instance. We always tried our best to be polite but you forced our hand today.

The Politeness Police are issuing $200 citations to anyone who dares commit the high crimes of wrong think followed by one or more counts of wrong say.

Be sure to read these warning labels:

• Asshole—a person who is difficult to please, who takes pleasure in other people’s pain, who enjoys his own misery, who has hurt and broken many hearts. I think I read he used a hammer to break those hearts, so be careful out there.

• Jerk/Jerks—be wary of males aged 16 to 40 years old who enjoy squirting fluid from their penises into the eyes of unsuspecting women. They are typically clothed in yellow clothing or pale colored tights. These jerkoffs often wear costumes and attend “conventions”.

• Yellybaby—you cannot tolerate when a person does not speak English, even if it is obvious they can understand every word you say. They might look cute with freckles and long hair, but they may still yell at you until you leave. A small minority of this breed of vocal asshole smell like thrift store radios.

• Pissypants—anyone wearing socks, either pink or gray in color, must never hold out his hands as he walks through the room. He should walk as if wearing skates, pushing the air ahead of him. He may act like a fruitcake, or a loon depending on your preferred nomenclature. They often knock your drinks out of your hand for their prank channel.

• Grouch/Grousers—never try to pull something over on these criminals. Instead, take a few seconds to notice that these psychotics hold their arms straight up during conversations. If you then whisper loudly that the sky is falling, they start flapping their wings and spewing shit out of their mouths and ears.

• Outlaw/Outlaws—they do not understand the concept of hello, or good bye. Instead, they’ll begin conversations about personal hygiene, cats, bathrooms, underwear and bodily functions. When you leave them alone they’ll ask to use your bathroom and after you let them they will promptly piss all over your living room carpet. The average life expectancy for an outlaw asshole is 10 years due to the urination issues.

The Politeness Police warned that anyone found with uncoded neckwear will also be attacked. This indicates possible sedition or the desire to promote conflict between cultures. These people are thus to be apprehended and held against their will until they provide coded items of social awareness.

The intolerant will be purged by firing squad and those who disagree with this action should smoke ’em if they got ’em.

Be Nice and Please Carry Your Identity Card.

The Mayor has proclaimed that all laws will be honored only by the most educated among us. Anybody who has committed two counts of wrong speech (1st offense) or four (2nd) offenses in any locale may be banished from the city until further notice. The residents are urged to cooperate with these harsh measures in order to avoid losing civil rights to foreign nations which might intervene.