Stop all that scrolling already. Haven’t you had your fill of spoon fed content, you overgrown dumb baby?
If you’re not too busy sucking up to Elon Musk on Twitter consider the internet of old for just a second if you’re also not busy eating weird shit for TikTok followers.
Followers are awful, even Elon Musk (your internet superhero with the dankest memes) knows that the old internet was better.
When Elon gets to Mars all there is going to be is dial up internet and a new crypto called ElonCoin that you get by complimenting Mr. Musk’s hair plugs on Twitter. I’m pretty sure this is how Space-X is ran.
Dial up was better, you weren’t there
Yes I said it. Dial up days were better.
Making a company was easy. You start a webpage, steal a bunch of HTML, slap a few GIFs on it and call yourself a webmaster and give yourself the majordomo email address. Everyone thinks you’re a genius and your fragile ego stays in tact.
Life was pretty sweet with your pump sneakers and Jolt cola, but then along came a spider. Let me explain it to you since most of you little shits were still in your dad’s nutsack at the time.
Spider Zucc
The data mining spiders were first, thanks a lot Google — I hope you enjoyed reading my emails more than I do.
Then came social media. Cool, who needs websites anymore. Chuck that domain name in the trash, it’s time to add people you hated from high school.
Tom was a our friend at first. His disarming smile and white t-shirt got our guard down enough for Zuckerberg to weasel his way into power.
Twitter was going to close every week according to rumors that is until celebs came and made it a cool place.
Everyone’s mindstate in 2010: Wow, I can tell Oprah to lick my asshole at long last. So much better than Myspace in every single way. Oh me oh my, Twitter is amazing!
Tom cashed out of the game and the rest of us got pimped out and passed around by Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg. They would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids! Looking at you Cambridge Analytica guy.
Data commander
These data hungry bastards sell your data up and down the river over and over until there is a profile built about you that is created by third party data brokerages.
Why? To sell you ads, to combine that with your shopping history, and to ultimately become the weirdo stalkers we knew Silicon Valley nerds always were.
In their world no one went out, everyone cared what a computer screen had to say, and clout was virtualized. Sound familiar?
The tech bros want everyone to have a mommy who slides a plate of food under the door in between matches of internet games.
It is their conspiracy to turn everyone into a latch key kid with a bad t-shirt and no social graces just as their parents did to them.
Net Neutered
Over time Google changed its algorithm to favor SEO friendly content. This changed the internet forever.
What is SEO you ask? A bunch of dudes with body odor calling themselves experts. Their expertise is in stuffing websites with so many keywords it tricks Google into think their low effort garbage content (worse than this) is worth reading. You ever look up a question and the top article has no answer? That is the magic of SEO.
As the information super highway got dumbed down into a handful of websites there’s really no central hub for finding cool shit anymore.
Social media is supposed to be a link hub but it’s been shown they punish posts for linking to external content as opposed to uploading videos directly. Scum bag car salesman can’t even get away with this shadiness!
Today the net is neutered by a handful of liberal, slightly-effeminate, Silicon Valley tech bros who think the future of the internet is smooth buttons for wrinkle-free brains.
Are you smarter than your phone?
Go ahead, share your memes. Get those likes. Would you like a gold star with your apple sauce too?
Do you actually know anything or are you a Wikipedia Brown Noser? Let me look that up. Turns out you’re a Dunning-Kruger wearing a dunce cap.
Now get out of my sight before I change my mind about abortion.
