Brad Pitt Is A Bad Guy?

Wowza! Brad Pitt was mean to Angelina Jolie? I don’t believe it!

He was just acting!

He can’t really be a bad guy! I mean he’s played one in movies but is he really a bad dude?

I had this fever dream that told me all I needed to know about the man. I think one of his movies was playing on TV but then again it’s hard to get those rabbit ears to work in my basement apartment.

Head grabber

Obviously if Brad Pitt grabbed someone’s head it was because he thought it was a baseball he was supposed to autograph.

Or if he slapped a waiter, I’ll say no more because much like Chris Rock who was just doing his job, every waiter deserves a slapping for the same reason! I AM VERY REASONABLE!

So what if he grabbed her head and shoved her in front of their children. A lot of children see horrible things. Ever heard of child soldiers?

“Daddy is just signing baseballs” Mr. Pitt could have said to console the children as he assaulted his wife. See, trauma turned into a perfect scene straight out of a baseball biopic that runs an hour too long.

Does anyone else feel like he deserves and Oscar and millions of dollars? This is the cancel culture we’ve all heard so much about from every “comedian” and “pundit” so I want to keep up with the cancellation policies.

President Pitt

This is the same man who’s probably going to run for President someday.

That’s right, can you see yourself voting in Tyler Durden from 12 Monkeys? I can. 4 more years? How about 12 more years!

He’s also a great role model.

A few years ago when everyone was talking about how many Americans were on food stamps he did a PSA encouraging people to just eat less.

“When you’re hungry just pretend you’re me eating the prime rib steak for example.” Mr. Pitt said to a group of hungry children as he ate an entire prime rib roast to himself right in front of their very eyes.

When someone said he was out of control he kindly grabbed them by the collar, held them next to a moving saw blade and said “YOU’RE FUCKING IT ALL UP AREN’T YOU? THIS IS NORMAL!” and let them go, laughing afterwards.

Women are perfect, all of them innocent

Angelina Jolie however is a perfect saint.

She is a woman and according to reddit, women can never do anything wrong.

Checkmate, Brad Pitt.

More like Brad Pittiful, right desperate women of reddit? HMU later if you’re DTF. I’ll wear my Brad Pitt mask.

(Don’t worry I am a married man.)

Time to rise to power, Mr. Bradley Pitt

This is the perfect opportunity for Brad Pitt to be a real bad guy. This is a chance to rise to the occasion, prove us all wrong and finally show us what he’s really made of.

I’m talking orbital laser cannons aimed right at James Bond type stuff.

He’s probably going to start saying “I’m sorry” over and over again on Ellen, whenever she gets out of the dog house. He should start right now though, maybe go on Joe Rogan.

I would give him a gold star for the day.

Now, I’m off to go find out if he wants to start a real life Fight Club with me and this guy from the bus station that kind of looks like Edward Norton’s long lost brother.

Avatar photo


Writer/Editor. Drinker of Soy. Eater of Soy. Lover of Soy. Don't judge.